A [ram's] leap of faith...

I am currently enjoying a glass of delicious Merlot (unlike that character in Sideways) it is a lovely colour, it has a medium to full body, it has a lovely warm and mellow aroma and it goes down smooth.

Here is the back of the bottle marketing blurb "ram's leap - The vineyard is planted on the virgin soils of a 2000 year old river bed, rich in alluvial deposits.  Situated on the McLaughlin's 4th generation outback sheep station, the vines are maintained on a chemical free basis.  Sheep play a crucial roles in the vineyard for weed control.  Soft blackberry fruit with an earthy character. The addition of American oak provides a hint of liquorice"

I even purchased two bottles - so here I go - a mindful and tearful goodbye to my best friend.  (post script - but I only actually wanted just over one bottle in the end and I gave the rest away the next day).

Parting is such sweet sorrow, but it is time, this relationship is ultimately very bad for me.  I am put in mind of the how bereft I felt the (first time) I broke up with Clive all those years ago. At the time it felt like my heart broke - was it ego or love., I had undoubtedly been brainwashed by 20 years of love songs, movies and poetry etc - either way it resulted in pain, my eyelids where so puffy from crying that my little eyeballs were 'Rocky-esque' for a few days.  I remember our song was "Never Too Much" by Luther Vandross, for a while we were completely loved-up and this track was perfect, but ironically down the line, the B-side "Since I lost my Baby" was the song I grieved to.

Well that is how I feel now, Bacchus + Dionysus was(and is) a boy/man I am absolutely into (I truly truly love you B/D!) but our time is up as so many factors are telling me that although you might feel good a lot of the time, ultimately you are poison.  You are two, three, four and more timing me, you are a BAD boy - which means you are NOT respecting me.  Like the other vice of my past, the sweet smokey fags before you, I have loved 90% of our interactions and although I enjoy (and there is no substitute) the way you make me feel - after consuming the first first few glasses I feel warm and fuzzy, I actually like really myself - thank you.  But like that famous scene in "Raiders of the Lost Ark", when the Nazi baddies open the Ark, and what they think at first is the answer to all their prays, their vindication, it is actually death - and a nasty one at that (by the way, just how sexy was Harrison Ford in that bloody film) you are a wolf in sheep's clothing.


This state of mind has been coming for the entire time I have been penning this blog, I look back and time and again I have tried to consciously uncouple from you B/D.  It is however time to wipe my merlot-tints specs.....

What I take for love is no doubt just lust.

My wine-specs (that did let me down on many occasions back in the day) view this as a deep and meaningful relationship when in fact it is something much less nourishing, both physically and spiritually. Talk about using smooth and slick marketing tactics!  I am not in control, I am not revered, my breasts are not pert and I do have an artfully draped white silk scarf across my public hair area, cherubic children do not look up at me in awe and aspire to be me when they grow up, NO, I am really just caught up with a bit of a bastard and indulge in the cheap and lusty experience offered up.  To the left is reality, wobbly/ flabby impotence and without the spin, the situation does not look quite so good!

I was told my a doctor today that I have to 'reduce'.  I take it on board but of course I don't like being told what to do and so have resolved to achieve it my way.  The doctor reckons that although I may only be approaching my half century, it transpires that my ticker may be fast approaching old age.  I must reverse (or at least, slow) this process?  I do after all want to see this experiment out to its logical conclusion and don't want to miss out on any fun.  I just have to try to learn to do it without the aid of a quick fix.

I was so sad to hear about the recent death of C D-W, the other 'fat lady', Jennifer fell off the perch many years ago from lung cancer, but Clarissa had ditched her alcoholic vice in the 1980's and although she had cleaned up her act, the main reason she was morbidly obese was due to her decade long gin addiction -although her enthusiastic consumption of cream and butter may have also contributed.  The 'mother's ruin' was of course accompanied by copious bottles of tonic water each day.  Ironically it was the quinine that the alcohol free 'mixer' contained, that irreversibly 'ruined' her metabolism and her ability to lose the built up fat stored in her body.

Notwithstanding their individual vices they were both wonderful, entertaining, unapologetic, authentic women whom I admired, very much.

The cleaned up and stylized version of this lifestyle choice is [mis]represented by another couple of wonderful women, depict a couple of fabulous women living life to the full and not giving a damn for the consequences (Ab Fab was a brilliant and original comedy that also justified many a drinking session of my own along the way).  Still I must wise up, I know that Eddie & Patsy would be long dead in real life if they carried on like that! I am not super human, what makes me think that I can actually have my cake and eat it?

I heard a great quote today, you cannot be intelligent when you are emotional.  Not sure how I achieve that but I plan to try.  I will be mindful and see how I go, sweetie!