Health health health sweetie

Here I am again

 ...... trying to undo the harm I have done to myself yet again.  Burning the candle at both ends and now I feel the need to atone.  The tangible hangover has gone but the guilt and self-loathing lingers on.

So I believe it is now time to work a little harder at abstinence as it might just conceivably be easier than moderation, which is just not possible.  So I am going to try to actually go through the pain and depression of dealing with this addiction to over-(self)-indulgence and see if I actually feel better about life in general if the mist lifts.  Hopefully I will be a bit smarter, fitter, thinner and not as dreadfully dull as I actually suspect I am without the social lubricant that is booze.  I have to face up to the fact that this is my essential problem but it is not an addiction to alcohol rather an addiction to feeling sorry for myself.   It has been a life long constant companion - this is the demon I must tackle as my over-indulgence in all of its forms is just self-soothing.  I can't perform the spectacular tantrums that I used to do until around the age of 6-7 any longer.  I don't remember when they actually stopped but I suspect I just stopped being cute and so no longer had any credit in the bank and it must have been a supreme shock to me going to school and realising I was not the centre of the Universe (imagine!)  So from the age of 7 or 8 I must have begun to realise that they just weren't working for me any longer and so since that time I have driven the tantrums underground - the old passive, aggressive routine.  I know what behaviours and attitudes I need to strive for in order to appear assertive and negotiate like an adult but knowing it and doing it are very different beasts.  A bit like what I know I must do be to slim and fit but like the ladies above - there is no off position on the master control switch!

The only reason I stopped smoking was because of the pain in my chest - that was a very touch emotional few weeks and I think I just have to go through that again and JUST SAY NO!

 

I really wish I could be like good old Madonna - but I am just not made that way, I really do care far too much about what people think about me.  I had trouble at work last week too but after going through the usual rainbow of emotions it all came down to me taking myself too seriously, not being able to take ANY criticism and of course the usual lack of quality communication.  Out of 100 though - and trying to be completely honest with myself, it was 25% ill considered, passive aggressive management and 75% 'how very dare you' i.e. tantrum on my part.  This is not getting me anywhere though, except that I then give myself permission to reward myself with things that stress out not only my mind but also my body.  I know there are other individuals much worse than me but so what?!  I can only ultimately do something about myself, take control of my own emotions.  Try to bloody well grow up - whatever that means.  Perhaps it really is time to go through the pain of it and document the experiment (hopefully transition) for myself and for future reference/amusement. 

I have felt pretty low for getting close to a week (decades) now and the binge drinking on the weekend just makes it all worse (except for those few self-indulgent hours with your mates) but then I don't really know what they think about me and my issues.  They probably just humour me to the same extent that I usually humour them - particularly when booze is in the equation.  It is just all too easy to put the dummy in my mouth. 

So it is Monday - the day most weak people begin a new regime - let's go