No more dinner at Tiffany's?

I recently wanted to try to cheer up a mate, we were in the pub (not her natural habitat) and she had had a hard day, week - year and so an easy way to do this for a woman (in particular this woman) is a little flattery .... "nice ear-rings" they were nice, they suited her, having just come from the office after a difficult day, it was my shorthand way of saying I thought she was handling the situation well.  It was a genuine compliment.  In fact I didn't think all that deeply about it as it left my mouth ... "nice ear-rings".  "Tiffany's" came the reply.  If it had been anyone else I probably would have answered in a jocular style ... "well you had better give them back", not especially funny and certainly not original but it would have been my way of lightening the mood, countering is my thing, dropping in a little tempering sarcasm about the wearer's smugness and nod to their prostration at the alter of consumerism, whist still acknowledging the fact that there were indeed "nice ear-rings" etcetera but it would have been wasted on her and in fact I kept these instantaneous thoughts to myself and just said something like "oh, well they are very nice" - I thought it was just better to be polite and move on.  Well they were nice but frankly they would have been nice had they been purchased from a cheap & cheerful accessory shop, they were very simple, silver earbobs.   Although I said no more about them, her reaction typified everything I had been feeling about both her and our relationship for some time.  The building of a wave and the response "Tiffany's" sent the wave cresting and crashing.  The wave has been dribbling and making its inevitable way to the shore and petering out since that point and now I do not think I will be having any more (or experiencing her oh so 'unique' way of ordering) dinners with her or her Tiffany adored lugholes. 

I have been questioning why I am spending time with someone I just don't really respect - I know,

who the hell I am I to judge and that is just it.  I don't feel I can spend anymore time with this person and go through the endless saga of the various strands of her life, when she recounts tales of her work trials and tribulations, boyfriend issues and personal health issues whilst she sits there eating her 'metaphorical' chocolate mousse and making no real efforts to make any change.  As per usual she wants to have her mousse and eat it! The best person I know for talking a good health and diet plan, who thinks buying a diet book, DVD, talking about it endlessly will actually make the pounds fall off.   We have very little in common and I am unsure if it is her culturally shaped manners clashing with mine but I find her attempts at being over-scheduled, and my part in that schedule, as being a little blatant e.g. I am merely being used as a person to do things with.  Now I know this is a time honoured pattern of acceptable behaviour for some mates but it is become less and less subtle. 

The last time we socialised together I did not acquiesce to her but to another friend about where and when to meet (another equally alpha female) and I was somewhat in the middle and it rather pissed me off!  She also has form in this regard and I was just a little tired of the endless selfishness, particularly as this was pleasure we were supposed to be organising, not work and furthermore, we were not being unreasonable and a table had been booked.  But I have no doubt if anyone asked her about my behaviour, she would say I am totally selfish too.  So an impasse and I may have deliberately scuppered the friendship however sub-consciously.  I wasn't rude or impolite but at worst a little indiscrete but it actually came from a fairly good place - she looked a little downcast and I felt a little guilty about what had transpired and so I made another specific enquiry about something important in her life that might make her forget her hideous workday story for a few minutes whilst she focussed on her boyfriend, so I had asked if she had seen him recently and referred to him by name.  I thought this would again cheer her up a little but according to the third party, I was glared at. Being at least bottle of wine down, I clearly failed to pick up on this and although I don't think I went on about it too much and I think she only said yes to my enquiry, despite sending her a message the next day to wish her well with work related issues, I had no acknowledgement, subtle or otherwise.  I think in Tiffany's world that is her response. 

Again despite my past, I do have a problem with her situation, the fact that she is so submissive in that area and the fact that it severely limits any potential she has to be happier but like my other alpha female mate at the gathering that night, I do understand that we each handle the feelings of loneliness in our lives differently and again who am I to judge but I just don't think I can be around that vibe anymore.  I want to change for the better, I want to improve my health and mental outlook, I am feeling like ambition is rising again and I do want to do, what I want to do in my next decade and I also feel like being around people who will support me, nourish me, be positive roles models and genuine friends. Two-way traffic. 

I don't want to upset or hurt anyone so I think that that fairly empty 'GAP' type relationship should just be allowed to dissolve gently to stop that from happening.  The 'friendship' has served its purpose and run its course.

 

Better to be polite and move on.

Banality Now ....

Just got around to actually looking up the definition of 'redux' from the Latin to bring back, resurrect, lead back.  I fancy way of film marketeers suggesting to the masses that is not just a repeat but somehow dusting off the film stock and turning up the colouration a bit etcetc and putting it out there again gives is it a new lease of life (money for practically nothing).  Still if the original was a classic and the one of the positive aims is introducing it to the next generation - making a load more cash for very little is a clever move and keeps the movie business in the money making business - it may even be a noble enterprise as it will mean that they have the capacity to encourage and subsidize original work, give new writers, directors and actors a chance to help them make even more money for them in the future.

Not too sure why my mind has strayed onto this topic - just the two words, second word NOW.  But I wonder if what is on my mind reminds me of the themes from that movie, not the 'horror' but perhaps the more banal aspects.   Hypocrisy = the practice of professing standards, beliefs, etc., contrary to one's real character or actual behaviour, especially the pretence of virtue and piety.  Funny, I always protest to really dislike this trait in others and of course as usual - I doth protest too much!

                 You have to live with the people in hypocrisy for them to stay happy with you

I am one - there confession, but then that trait is deep in my DNA and I react with the emotional intelligence of a jellyfish (a stupid, reactionary one at that!)  I just wish being mindful of it meant that I could take this, and various other repellent characteristics, and expunge them - have I swallowed a dictionary?

As per my usual motivation to err, emote, it has been sparked off by an incident, but probably more likely an accumulation of stuff, that has gotten on my ....... [fill in the blank] lately.  Culminating this week in the discovery of my significant other surfing the net for the most banal thing on there but of course what men have  been seeking out since time began - and secretly what it was invented for (well done Mr Tim Berners-Lee), well if not him then certainly the genius to came up with the 'reuxed' the tablet with its handy 'easy to wipe' screen!  It could have been a lot worse and I did of course over-react and was indeed hypocritical (note to self: see previous Run Rabbit Run post!) but ultimately I was disappointed at the banality of the situation.  What does it really say about our relationship blar blar... - it says that it is undoubtedly just as banal as many other relationships.  What us 'modern' people seek and find very easily is instant gratification because we are all just lazy opportunists and for those of us lucky enough to survive in the developed world, we are surrounded by abundance, so why not just have it all and have it now?

I have heard the term 'moral compass' a lot lately - the new buzz phrase used a lot by politicians and other worthies.  I certainly know my 'compass' is askew.  I think the other reason why I reacted (and it was a genuine response of disappointment that the history was so easily visible - a 'school boy' error if you will and thus such blatant disregard of the consequences made that act the thing that caused the upset, ironically, not really the thing itself.... wot?) was that the evening before was spent with a friend who continues to break the 'loneliness' taboo.  My reaction to her rawness of need and desperation is a combination of disgust that she gives men such power over her and then I wonder why I too take my relationship so for granted when it is all she longs for (not so much a man as a warm, supporting body).  Again, a person in a long term relationship taking their partner 'for granted'.  What is really means is being taken advantage of.  That is true. That is BANAL.

Perhaps I should throw the bunny away, stop being a hypocrite and treat my significant other with some (over due) respect.  But then simple but effective, no fuss, easy gratification is just so good!

Talk about mixed messages from the WWW.  But then like every great oracle, interpretation can be found to justify any position!    

It is time for a change, at least attempt it.  I like this flowchart I came upon - simple and effective (but I suspect, not easy)