I just need a .....

Nudge.  In this image I see my employer as the mommy elephant and I am very much the cute little calf, full of amazing potential. so they keep telling me, and although I suspect it may be true and is all very nice but staying with a lovely big body guard is very appealing.  I have been allowed to relax in her presence, and like most toddlers, have a lot of attitude, play up and take advantage of the situation/s.  But time is running out and even I can see what is coming.  However, my employer is like a parent.  Over the last few years I have morphed into a 'thing' that 'it' created and they have a moral responsibility to see me right!  I hope I am not exactly Frankenstein's monster and more like Dumbo but nonetheless I am slightly dopey!

So over the next few weeks I will find out if I am in the 'redundant' pile for the first time.  As I approach my half century would that be apposite!?

A [ram's] leap of faith...

I am currently enjoying a glass of delicious Merlot (unlike that character in Sideways) it is a lovely colour, it has a medium to full body, it has a lovely warm and mellow aroma and it goes down smooth.

Here is the back of the bottle marketing blurb "ram's leap - The vineyard is planted on the virgin soils of a 2000 year old river bed, rich in alluvial deposits.  Situated on the McLaughlin's 4th generation outback sheep station, the vines are maintained on a chemical free basis.  Sheep play a crucial roles in the vineyard for weed control.  Soft blackberry fruit with an earthy character. The addition of American oak provides a hint of liquorice"

I even purchased two bottles - so here I go - a mindful and tearful goodbye to my best friend.  (post script - but I only actually wanted just over one bottle in the end and I gave the rest away the next day).

Parting is such sweet sorrow, but it is time, this relationship is ultimately very bad for me.  I am put in mind of the how bereft I felt the (first time) I broke up with Clive all those years ago. At the time it felt like my heart broke - was it ego or love., I had undoubtedly been brainwashed by 20 years of love songs, movies and poetry etc - either way it resulted in pain, my eyelids where so puffy from crying that my little eyeballs were 'Rocky-esque' for a few days.  I remember our song was "Never Too Much" by Luther Vandross, for a while we were completely loved-up and this track was perfect, but ironically down the line, the B-side "Since I lost my Baby" was the song I grieved to.

Well that is how I feel now, Bacchus + Dionysus was(and is) a boy/man I am absolutely into (I truly truly love you B/D!) but our time is up as so many factors are telling me that although you might feel good a lot of the time, ultimately you are poison.  You are two, three, four and more timing me, you are a BAD boy - which means you are NOT respecting me.  Like the other vice of my past, the sweet smokey fags before you, I have loved 90% of our interactions and although I enjoy (and there is no substitute) the way you make me feel - after consuming the first first few glasses I feel warm and fuzzy, I actually like really myself - thank you.  But like that famous scene in "Raiders of the Lost Ark", when the Nazi baddies open the Ark, and what they think at first is the answer to all their prays, their vindication, it is actually death - and a nasty one at that (by the way, just how sexy was Harrison Ford in that bloody film) you are a wolf in sheep's clothing.


This state of mind has been coming for the entire time I have been penning this blog, I look back and time and again I have tried to consciously uncouple from you B/D.  It is however time to wipe my merlot-tints specs.....

What I take for love is no doubt just lust.

My wine-specs (that did let me down on many occasions back in the day) view this as a deep and meaningful relationship when in fact it is something much less nourishing, both physically and spiritually. Talk about using smooth and slick marketing tactics!  I am not in control, I am not revered, my breasts are not pert and I do have an artfully draped white silk scarf across my public hair area, cherubic children do not look up at me in awe and aspire to be me when they grow up, NO, I am really just caught up with a bit of a bastard and indulge in the cheap and lusty experience offered up.  To the left is reality, wobbly/ flabby impotence and without the spin, the situation does not look quite so good!

I was told my a doctor today that I have to 'reduce'.  I take it on board but of course I don't like being told what to do and so have resolved to achieve it my way.  The doctor reckons that although I may only be approaching my half century, it transpires that my ticker may be fast approaching old age.  I must reverse (or at least, slow) this process?  I do after all want to see this experiment out to its logical conclusion and don't want to miss out on any fun.  I just have to try to learn to do it without the aid of a quick fix.

I was so sad to hear about the recent death of C D-W, the other 'fat lady', Jennifer fell off the perch many years ago from lung cancer, but Clarissa had ditched her alcoholic vice in the 1980's and although she had cleaned up her act, the main reason she was morbidly obese was due to her decade long gin addiction -although her enthusiastic consumption of cream and butter may have also contributed.  The 'mother's ruin' was of course accompanied by copious bottles of tonic water each day.  Ironically it was the quinine that the alcohol free 'mixer' contained, that irreversibly 'ruined' her metabolism and her ability to lose the built up fat stored in her body.

Notwithstanding their individual vices they were both wonderful, entertaining, unapologetic, authentic women whom I admired, very much.

The cleaned up and stylized version of this lifestyle choice is [mis]represented by another couple of wonderful women, depict a couple of fabulous women living life to the full and not giving a damn for the consequences (Ab Fab was a brilliant and original comedy that also justified many a drinking session of my own along the way).  Still I must wise up, I know that Eddie & Patsy would be long dead in real life if they carried on like that! I am not super human, what makes me think that I can actually have my cake and eat it?

I heard a great quote today, you cannot be intelligent when you are emotional.  Not sure how I achieve that but I plan to try.  I will be mindful and see how I go, sweetie!

Just get FARCed.....! Focus, be Aware, Repeat and Celebrate

Drop to the heart, to the illuminated velvet, the place where love is - a quote(ish) by Amanda Gore.


I listened to a great podcast a couple of weeks ago called 'Up for a chat' when I started this post.  I was in a great frame of mind and to 'celebrate' Fri(pay)day, I got myself an lovely drop of organic shiraz.   I then got hungry and left this first line and now, 24 hours later, my mood is much altered.  I was OK most of the day, it was a good day in fact but my inner-voice hates me.   How can I stick to the FARCed track?

Focus, be aware, repeat and celebrate

How can I actually, consistently start to finally do the things I want to, despite myself, achieve what I want to achieve, without that enemy within taking over again and AGAIN.  Some might call it depression and perhaps that is what it is but I can't push myself to really do anything about it, admit to it, get over it.  I feel like I am just wasting my life.

I started this post two weeks ago and I feel somewhat different now,

So how about teardrops to 'raindrops'

Woops - that wagon is slippery!

So it is now 22nd February, I have been "off the wagon" [mostly] for 53 days - except for one spectacular slip and 1.5 mediocre ones.  The first was in early February after a series of nagging minor ailments that culminated in an afternoon of root canal which was painful and tedious, the self-indulgent child within got the better of me and I thought to myself in the Chair, what can I do to cheer myself up?  Well I was off to pub quiz that night anyway and a little - full glass of wine - light bulb went off and I thought ... "yes, am I going to have a drink tonight" as usual one turned into far too many but it was fun and my drinking buddy was pleased to have me back.  However for many and various reasons it turned out to be an expensive night and my liver no doubt despised me.  My a.m. self-loathing returned but only temporarily.  This had been mindful drinking and the reminder was a hangover, an empty purse, the loss of property, putting myself in harm's way and sustaining minor injuries.  It was a timely reminder that I really need to wise-up and grow-up.  But whilst it lasted, it was fun to have a time out from dull old life.


I then slipped again, a week or so later, into my old routine and had a Friday night bottle as I was home alone.  It was nice - like a comfortable slipper.  The consumption of one bottle does not intoxicate but it does provide a warm and fuzzy feeling that has much to recommend it, but of course I CANNOT be relied upon to leave it there and so that is why I am back to square one and am trying to be mindful again.  This is not just Feb Fast, this is lifestyle change.

Last night however I knew I would be home alone again and during the dog walk/supermarket run, the old thoughts about swinging into the wines & spirits section got the better of me - finger wagging Matron must have had a night off too - well I succumbed but you know, I didn't enjoy it.  It was helped by the fact that the wine was not to my taste - some Cab-Sav-Merlot NZ thing that was on special, and having tasted it, no wonder.  So after a couple of glasses I realised that no amount of wine breathing was going to improve the taste so I put the cap back on.  That at least is progress!

Whilst sourcing a suitable image for my thoughts, I came across a good blog entry that neatly summed up by (temporary) dilemma

Step 1 - Clarity The first step is to take some time to get really clear about what you want for your resolutions. Think about what things are really important to you. What issues have held you back year after year and what bad habits are you ready to drop? It’s important that this process isn’t rushed. We need to take some time to get clear about what we want to focus on for the new year. Start by making a list of your top 5 goals now.

Step 2 - Is it your goal? It’s really common for people to set a goal because they feel that they should do it. This is the fastest route to failure. Check in and see if the goals you wrote down are really your goals, or whether they are in fact someone else’s. Often, well-meaning family members can encourage us to make goals that are important to them – not us. If deep down inside you don’t want the goal, you can forget it. Cross out any goals on your list that are not really your own.

Step 3 - Motivate the goal Ask yourself this question: “Why do I want to achieve this? What will I gain?”

If you can’t answer this question immediately with four or five reasons why you want to reach this goal, then it’s unlikely you’ll ever reach it. Spend some time getting really clear about why you want this. Write down a list of reasons, as this will really energise the goal for you. Then, three months down the track when you’re losing motivation, you can refer to this list to remind yourself of why you need to keep going.

Step 4 - Assess what you might lose Ask yourself this: “What have I got to lose by achieving this goal?” The number one reason why people fail at their resolutions is because what they are set to gain does not outweigh what they will lose in the process. I’ll put this another way: if what you want comes at a price – be it physical, emotional, financial or mental – then this might block you from your own success. The mind works with simple equations. So, if you have a goal to lose 5 kg, then the mind will assess what it will cost you to reach this goal and if it feels like it’s not worth it you can say goodbye to reaching the goal. Here are a few examples of what losing 5kgs could cost you:

• Money to purchase health foods
• Time to exercise
• Sacrifice sleep to get up early to exercise
• Sacrifice the comfort that your favourite food gives you
• Sacrifice the fun from eating out

As you can see, there’s quite a lot to lose by reaching this goal. So, it’s important at this point to ensure you’re OK with losing all of these things, because until you make peace with this, you won’t reach the goal. One way of making peace is to put in place alternative methods of achieving what you will lose. For example, to ensure you don’t miss out on fun, you could organise a healthy event with friends and family in advance. To ensure you don’t lose out on sleep, you could go to bed an hour earlier.

Step 5 - Use your imagination Research has shown that visualisation techniques literally change the structure of the brain according to what you want to achieve. So, if you put aside time to think about losing weight, then you are much more likely to do it in real life. What’s more, the brain is often more motivated by pictures rather than numbers or words. It can be really helpful to spend a few minutes each day to visualise a scenario where you have already achieved your goal. For example I find that the clients I work with get really motivated by imagining themselves fitting into their skinny jeans, or their favourite cocktail dress. This image is much more motivating that just ‘losing 5 kgs’ because it has more meaning attached to it.

Cal-or-ie, I'm the same girl I used to be....!

Well now that I have managed to stay on the wagon for in excess of 21-days, according to perceived wisdom - that means the habit is now BROKEN.  Actually I am not feeling craven.  Each time, usually toward the end of yet another dull workday, the image of relaxing with red wine comes into my mind, and the inner voice body-slams that thought to the floor and says NO.

Now in my mind I have an image of the 'good' Matron wagging her finger at the 'bad' Matron exclaiming "just stop hurting myself, take control and don't be a LUSH". 

Interesting though that word lush in this context is Irish slang for  - one who drinks alcohol to excess habitually; an alky, boozer, dipsomaniac, souse, soaker, inebriate, rummy, sot or wino.  All conceived as 'bad'. But the other side of the coin is the positive connotations - the 'good' lush: abundant, dense (given the alleged killing off of brain cells by booze - that could be taken either way!), flourishing, lavish, prolific, teeming, verdant, luxurious, sumptuous, plush, opulent, ritzy, succulent, fresh, tender, ripe and juicy.

 

So that paragraph sums up the eternal struggle and allure of substances that help 'comfort' and blur the sometimes sharp (and dull) edges of reality.  However here she comes again ..... you can hear her heavy footfall coming down the mental corridor..... I have just finished listening to two audiobooks on my dogwalks, autobiographies read by the authors, Jane Fonda My life So Far and Carrie Fisher Shockoholic and Wishful Drinking.  Two actresses and authors that I really like and admire but both spent decades consumed by their substances abuse - they have found their way though and both acknowledge their good and bad experiences as a result.  But ultimately they have taken control of their lives but are aware they it is a constant battle of mindful intent to not just gently roll off that wagon back to temporary bliss and salve.  As 'Bad' Matron would rap

A MINUTE ON THE LIPS BUT A LIFE ON THE HIPS

Anyway, just weighed myself and measured my vitals and the numbers are in.  Despite not drinking red wine and consuming very few calorific drinks, despite not indulging in on average (not let's give my red wine monster the benefit of the doubt and say 5 bottles of week), that is 645 calories per bottle by 28 = 18060 calories....  [And as that one bottle of wine is apparently equivalent to = 14 Jaffa cakes or McDonald's Cheeseburger and medium fries!] I have lost - drum roll please........

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

I am the same girl I used to be.  So it looks like February might have to be not only booze free but phase two as low carb as I can tolerate, then I will see how the 'figures' compare at the close of next month. 


Bad Matron might have to wag that finger a with a bit more VIGOUR!!! at least it will burn off a few more calories.