Minutes suspended in Years

I heard this phrase today and thought it very insightful, it is the name of the new Alison Moyet album and it is her philosophy about life the universe and everything.  She is now 52 and refuses to apologise for it.  She is talented and sick of compromising and felt compelled to write her own album of original material in collaboration with the person who also produced it.  She is to be admired. I must check it out when it is released.  This title is a summation of her thoughts about happiness, elusive but on reflection is can be expressed as joyful minutes suspended in years.  It maybe a 'glass half empty' attitude but perhaps that is just the way the gal from Basildon feels and she is entitled.  Why do we all have to go around pretending life is all 'sunshine and lollipops' like those companies selling us washing powder would have us believe?

On that subject I am not terribly impressed with myself.  Despite my attempts to curb my self-indulgence, I only lasted until Friday night and I was feeling pretty good about it all but really fancied drinks with my mates but alas drank too much, expressed my opinions - no doubt way too forcefully (probably not only bordering but entering obnoxious territory) but maybe I too had thoughts and feelings to get off my chest (no matter how unpalitable) and wanted to talk about them and not just be a sounding board for other everyone else's dramas.  After all, isn't that what friends are for?  

 

However I recall my horoscope from last week and it did mention that there would be a sudden change in a close relationship.  Well that person may actually be Sonya and I am not entirely sure that I would blame her as I think everything is forgivable in a friend except insulting their immediate family - of course they can bitch and moan about them until the cow's come home but they are off-limits when it comes to anyone else pointing out their deficiencies and I think in this particular relationship, Sonya is allowed to be a strong and challenging personality with many and various proclivities but I guess I am not and so that is a deal-breaker.  Perhaps the timing is right anyhow.

The only actual physical fight I have ever had was when I was coming up for 13 and I was an opinionated loud-mouth (so much for the maturity and getting of wisdom theory....) I was overheard commenting to some school acquaintence that the mum of a a girl on my estate that I was getting fairly friendly with had huge boobs - oh the irony!  Anyhow, said girl somehow overheard or had it reported back and she took great exception to this comment, even though it was true, It was of course childish and rude to point it out.  So she called me out but had her champion be the one to challenge me to the fight.  I can't remember all the ins & outs at this distance but I remember negotiating with both her and her mate (a feisty little black gal who was looking for any excuse to hit someone and was very indignant about someone taking the piss out of her mate's mum's endowments) and so there was no getting out of it.  I had other unknown older girls coming to find me throughout the day, they assessed me with one look and then told me through sucked teeth that I would "be mashed up" they were right!  And so I recall there was no getting out of it and in the playground I was surrounded and the girl heralded in like Apollo Creed (but I was no Rocky with a south-paw) just a mouthy, frightened little lilywhite arsed new girl who had to be corrected.  There was hair pulling and a perhaps a few swipes but it was pulled apart fairly promptly and only sustained the odd scratch and bruise but emotionally it was one of the lowest moments of my school life (well life).  I vaguely remember waiting to be picked up from the school management office, by my dad and brother and I was probably snivelling the entire time - I think I was in shock.  I am still that pathetic excuse today.  I have learned NOTHING.  I think I am IT but I am SHIT (a note I once found in my locker at that same school although whether it was before or after the skuffle is no longer remembered).  They were right at that school all along.  I am at a loss as to what to do about my nature.  The only thing I can do is extricate myself for a while and just really think about life, the Universe and everything.  Recalling the fight I realise in a flash that I haven't changed one bit neither have I learned a damn thing in all the intervening years.   Talk about a coward - but why?  I have a bit of intelligence, why am I like this? 

 

 

 

Let all the children boogie ...

I had a funny day today, not enough sleep last night as I went to bed after 3am and then the alarm clock jolted me awake probably 3 hours before I was ready..... a touch of a hangover as I started drinking at around 9.30pm onwards and polished well over a bottle of lovely cheap vin rouge.  (I know so much for all my protestations on previous posts!)

Then followed another intense day of talking with various people about their continuing work problems. However I only managed around 30 minutes "official" work.

But my mind keeps coming back to the fact that I cannot really carry on like this without negative consequences, not least talking bollocks.  I have a unique opportunity at the moment and if I put my mind to it, I have just enough time to do myself some real good as going through withdrawal (wow, that sounds dramatic) is a thing best tackled alone. 

Anyway here I am on day one of my attempting to turn over that leaf yet again!  I had to dash out at 9pm though to get some chocolate ice-cream to help me cope without the usual evening liquid sugar and the night sky took me aback as it was so beautiful.  It was very calm and clear, the moon and stars were exactly the same as in this photo but it was about one hour later than this would have been taken and so it was classic dark blue in hue which made the half moon and two stars much more brilliant by contrast.  I put the key in the ignition to drive the 5 minutes back home and David Bowie's 'Starman' was playing just as I was glancing up at the beautiful night sky again and a little flashbulb of empowerment exploded in my mind - I am sure my esoteric mate would say it was a sign from the Universe (and that!)  But as I type, I genuinely feel like I am in a good place and I want to make real in-roads into breaking this bad habit over the next few months.  Mostly I want to capitalize on being alone to wrestle with it and the resulting emotions that will likely bubble up to the surface as I have dulled them with copious drink (and food) for so long.

 

If we sparkle he may land tonight.....

 

 

When you wish upon a star...

It is not the first time I have felt compelled to write an update over the last 3 and a half months but it is first time compulsion and inspiration have collided.  I also saw this picture last week and it struck a cord.  Not least because I love the colourful image. This is how I feel, no I am not on the "good" drugs, I am relatively high on life.  

It is all a whirl and heightened by the fact that my housemate (husband) has been away for over a month, no he hasn't left me - well actually strictly speaking he has, but  am fairly sure he will return as he is on holiday.  He has a hobby which doesn't interest me but that should be no reason why he cannot fully pursue it and his own happiness.  My job is after all first and foremost to facilitate his happiness (I think it is in the marital contract).  The upside of this is that I am loving my me me me time.  I am never bored or lonely when alone - only sometimes with other people because my fragile ego is apt to get bruised in close proximity to other human beings - which is probably why I am happiest with furry animal companions. 

Still, we chat over Skype and on reflection we are probably talking more than we do on a typical working day and I am not having to wash and fluff his boxer shorts! Win, win.....

Work is tolerable, my volunteer work is very stimulating and my friends are still fulfilling the basic need of following an ongoing serial drama.  So here is an update on my own cast of players:-

Sonya - (desperate, self-absorbed, maddening, deluded, wonderful) she is flailing again in the workplace.  I do genuinely like her and want to help but it has just been one drama after another Ad Nauseum.  I am a very caring and patient friend but even I have my limits.  So she is beginning to destroy this opportunity because she (not unlike the rest of us) cannot help but be herself.  Yes she is relatively new to the role, yes she is stressed - blar blar - she has a habit of inferring that all support staff are plebs and should be seen and definitely not heard. She would be better suited to being a Conservative politician but ironically her heart is in the right place and she is a champagne socialist deep down.   Great company and a Bon Viver and Vivent but tramples on the 'little people's' hopes & dreams!  The Bishop of Bath & Wells in twin-set & pearls!

Lydia - (survivor, self-absorbed, maddening, deluded, admirable) Catholic guilt is a terrible hair-shirt.  Lydia is a classic example of making her bed and thinking she absolutely (!) has to lie in it.  She is bright and sometimes breezy but a bullshitter par excellence.   The thing is I think is actually managing to fool a lot of people a lot of the time but it is doing no one any good!  Mostly her. Lydia has a complicated over scheduled life that most pop-psychologists would say is compensation for her bitter loneliness.  Blimey move over Freud!  She is a very decent woman but insists on being ridiculously over stretched to the point of breaking but seems to want it no other way - but seems to assume that we will all partition whoever is in charge to ensure she is eventually canonised.  Unlikely but I hope she finds happiness and equilibrium eventually.

Marissa - (self-absorbed, maddening, deluded, loving) overall on the surface loving.  I say on the surface but I think she really means it on more than one level - an achievement in this day and age! I am no doubt just cynical but Marissa is classic ying & yang and she wants it all and she wants it now.  Very childlike but compelling - ala Marilyn.  Good looking and capable but sadly not as good looking and capable as she advertises herself to be and so her clients are sometimes left perplexed or worse, litigious!

Tanya - (tenacious, self-absorbed, maddening, did I say self-absorbed?) why do I continue to see this person. She hasn't had to work for a living for over a year but managed to get a pay-out and then a job paying her well but she did the equivalent to say 2 days work for 3 months salary.  Still the world of work has been a rocky road for her and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, least of all a friend.   The irony is when I hear about her latest progresses, again there is that childlike notion of assuming one interview with an agency and she has it signed and sealed and is thinking about when she can book her holidays and can she work from home.  I worry that she may be losing her incident room.

My parents - (maddening, deluded, loving, forgiving, under-privileged generation, maddening, stereotypes) maddening is there twice very deliberately.  I had no choice about this and they only have themselves to blame about the way I turned out - nature & nurture.  I care about them a great deal and I want them to have golden years as the baby-boomers were sold a pup even more than Gen-X but they just don't seem to analyse anything!  I wish them joy but they are just not that bright.  They are clever and pragmatic and a product of their generation and have done well despite it all.  So I again admire them but I struggle to respect them. I am their child and they fulfil their contract by loving me but I am not entirely sure it is unconditional.  I am a variously a pet/adversary and enemy - or all three at once.  A cross they must bear!

The supporting cast - many and various work colleagues and acquaintances that I have seen over the past month or so.  So many dramas and I am once again becoming a counsellor.  Is that where my strengths and future lay or am I just perceived as a good listener and safe haven?  A keeper of secrets?  Oh dear - if they only all knew the REAL me.

the extras - pretty much as all above but I do love it.  I have a full and potentially drama packed week ahead, lunching tomorrow with a powerhouse that I have coveted for a while but I am not entirely sure why.  I like and respect her though and perhaps I am just hoping that some of her wisdom rubs off and she magically offers to be my mentor but I suspect she just needs to off-load like everyone else. 

Over my coffee breaks on both Saturday and today I glanced at my horoscope and this was the warning (which I intend to remember and heed as I do feel like in so many ways I am sitting on a power keg - which is not entirely a bad feeling!) :

Saturday 16th March - This isn't the week to request feedback unless you're ready for uncensored directness [God no....] Pointing out flaws could also have combustible results, so certain opinions will be best kept to yourself.  The more sprightly, spunky elements of your own nature are quite likely to emerge, so don't be surprised if you find yourself on a vibrant, vivacious and unexpected ride.

Sunday 17th (happy St Paddy Day) - A close relationship will undergo some sudden changes.  Someone is behaving in an unpredicable manner.  This is your chance to get out of a rut.  Stiff routines dull your intellect and undermine your happiness.

Cripes!   So just remember ....

I do - is that so bad? (Nourish & Quench) xx