It is not the first time I have felt compelled to write an update over the last 3 and a half months but it is first time compulsion and inspiration have collided. I also saw this picture last week and it struck a cord. Not least because I love the colourful image. This is how I feel, no I am not on the "good" drugs, I am relatively high on life.
It is all a whirl and heightened by the fact that my housemate (husband) has been away for over a month, no he hasn't left me - well actually strictly speaking he has, but am fairly sure he will return as he is on holiday. He has a hobby which doesn't interest me but that should be no reason why he cannot fully pursue it and his own happiness. My job is after all first and foremost to facilitate his happiness (I think it is in the marital contract). The upside of this is that I am loving my me me me time. I am never bored or lonely when alone - only sometimes with other people because my fragile ego is apt to get bruised in close proximity to other human beings - which is probably why I am happiest with furry animal companions.
Still, we chat over Skype and on reflection we are probably talking more than we do on a typical working day and I am not having to wash and fluff his boxer shorts! Win, win.....
Work is tolerable, my volunteer work is very stimulating and my friends are still fulfilling the basic need of following an ongoing serial drama. So here is an update on my own cast of players:-
Sonya - (desperate, self-absorbed, maddening, deluded, wonderful) she is flailing again in the workplace. I do genuinely like her and want to help but it has just been one drama after another Ad Nauseum. I am a very caring and patient friend but even I have my limits. So she is beginning to destroy this opportunity because she (not unlike the rest of us) cannot help but be herself. Yes she is relatively new to the role, yes she is stressed - blar blar - she has a habit of inferring that all support staff are plebs and should be seen and definitely not heard. She would be better suited to being a Conservative politician but ironically her heart is in the right place and she is a champagne socialist deep down. Great company and a Bon Viver and Vivent but tramples on the 'little people's' hopes & dreams! The Bishop of Bath & Wells in twin-set & pearls!
Lydia - (survivor, self-absorbed, maddening, deluded, admirable) Catholic guilt is a terrible hair-shirt. Lydia is a classic example of making her bed and thinking she absolutely (!) has to lie in it. She is bright and sometimes breezy but a bullshitter par excellence. The thing is I think is actually managing to fool a lot of people a lot of the time but it is doing no one any good! Mostly her. Lydia has a complicated over scheduled life that most pop-psychologists would say is compensation for her bitter loneliness. Blimey move over Freud! She is a very decent woman but insists on being ridiculously over stretched to the point of breaking but seems to want it no other way - but seems to assume that we will all partition whoever is in charge to ensure she is eventually canonised. Unlikely but I hope she finds happiness and equilibrium eventually.
Marissa - (self-absorbed, maddening, deluded, loving) overall on the surface loving. I say on the surface but I think she really means it on more than one level - an achievement in this day and age! I am no doubt just cynical but Marissa is classic ying & yang and she wants it all and she wants it now. Very childlike but compelling - ala Marilyn. Good looking and capable but sadly not as good looking and capable as she advertises herself to be and so her clients are sometimes left perplexed or worse, litigious!
Tanya - (tenacious, self-absorbed, maddening, did I say self-absorbed?) why do I continue to see this person. She hasn't had to work for a living for over a year but managed to get a pay-out and then a job paying her well but she did the equivalent to say 2 days work for 3 months salary. Still the world of work has been a rocky road for her and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, least of all a friend. The irony is when I hear about her latest progresses, again there is that childlike notion of assuming one interview with an agency and she has it signed and sealed and is thinking about when she can book her holidays and can she work from home. I worry that she may be losing her incident room.
My parents - (maddening, deluded, loving, forgiving, under-privileged generation, maddening, stereotypes) maddening is there twice very deliberately. I had no choice about this and they only have themselves to blame about the way I turned out - nature & nurture. I care about them a great deal and I want them to have golden years as the baby-boomers were sold a pup even more than Gen-X but they just don't seem to analyse anything! I wish them joy but they are just not that bright. They are clever and pragmatic and a product of their generation and have done well despite it all. So I again admire them but I struggle to respect them. I am their child and they fulfil their contract by loving me but I am not entirely sure it is unconditional. I am a variously a pet/adversary and enemy - or all three at once. A cross they must bear!
The supporting cast - many and various work colleagues and acquaintances that I have seen over the past month or so. So many dramas and I am once again becoming a counsellor. Is that where my strengths and future lay or am I just perceived as a good listener and safe haven? A keeper of secrets? Oh dear - if they only all knew the REAL me.
the extras - pretty much as all above but I do love it. I have a full and potentially drama packed week ahead, lunching tomorrow with a powerhouse that I have coveted for a while but I am not entirely sure why. I like and respect her though and perhaps I am just hoping that some of her wisdom rubs off and she magically offers to be my mentor but I suspect she just needs to off-load like everyone else.
Over my coffee breaks on both Saturday and today I glanced at my horoscope and this was the warning (which I intend to remember and heed as I do feel like in so many ways I am sitting on a power keg - which is not entirely a bad feeling!) :
Saturday 16th March - This isn't the week to request feedback unless you're ready for uncensored directness [God no....] Pointing out flaws could also have combustible results, so certain opinions will be best kept to yourself. The more sprightly, spunky elements of your own nature are quite likely to emerge, so don't be surprised if you find yourself on a vibrant, vivacious and unexpected ride.
Sunday 17th (happy St Paddy Day) - A close relationship will undergo some sudden changes. Someone is behaving in an unpredicable manner. This is your chance to get out of a rut. Stiff routines dull your intellect and undermine your happiness.
Cripes! So just remember ....
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