T minus two and counting

Like hundreds of thousands of people in the Western World - perhaps millions - I am seriously contemplating making a New Year's Resolution. Over the decades,  I have always said I don't bother when people have enquired.  It has previously struck me as silly and 'sheep/lemming like' just something people say in January - a bit like talking about the weather when stuck in the lift with one other person who you sort of know. However I like the sound of 2014, it has a smooth and rounded ring to it and if positive thinking is as effective as some claim, I am feeling fairly determined to make some significant changes.   At the turn of midnight tomorrow - It will be just over 9 months to my BIG half century - a very significant landmark (and benchmark) in itself and 2014 is the year it falls in.  I was just about to mindlessly type that nine months and some days is a very significant time in itself and much can be achieved, yes, tell that to a few friends around the world who are younger and are soon to produce newborns.  Well that is not my story but I do want to have an adventure and I have to prepare myself for it, in the same way a woman should get her body ready and in the peak of condition to ensure a healthy child, it is almost a responsibility outside of yourself - getting broody isn't always about the overwhelming desire to produce the next generation but I imaging the undefinable feeling of longing is similar to that hormonal drive - perhaps this is just the next on a series of them throughout live.  

So I just need to focus and be mindful if I am to achieve what I want to and probably need to for all sorts of reasons in my next decade.

Time to use your Brains? 

Yes B'lady!

I have found DOG...

I was walking the mutt today and I mused (as I have many, many, times) over the interesting co-incidence that GOD spelt backwards is DOG.  Then of course I am reminded of the silly hysteria of a certain section of Western society that thought there were many satanic messages recorded backwards in the records that appealed to their young'uns in the 60's and 70's.  CAT backwards is nothing terribly profound, TAC - unless of course there is an all seeing eye out there called TAC and only felines are in the know (the chosen creatures), which would explain a lot.

Anyway, the cat that rules this roost is still the alpha female but I have been troubled this week by many more of this breed, the human kind and as a result, I am appreciating time spent with the TW, all the more.  Not that I am claiming that spending this quality time with the mutt is a particularly spiritual experience but it is allowing me time and space to reflect on all manner of stuff, during  our many long walks.  The pooch is not all that demonstrative and I think both of us are still in the 'getting to know you' stage but she is the least problematic female company I have at the moment.

At work I was a little cornered (but at least I had warning this time) by one into being her assistant - on top of what I already do for her and to the exclusion of the other aspects of my current role.  To be her assistant would be stressful, with no extra money or learning opportunities - I told her to forget it but in a very diplomatic way and I even used a white-lie to emphasise the point and I think she went away thinking a little more of me than before - but only time will tell.  There is no way I would be her assistant, she is a controlling, perfectionist, workaholic.  However the upside is that she is dynamic and I always know where we stand with each other!

Then on the pleasure (......) side, my drinking budding Sonya.  I have been reflecting on what it is that exactly constitutes our friendship.  What was previously a fun and supportive friendship has soured into me being a unpaid, and recently unappreciated, counsellor but it is one-way traffic and although she can be good company and we have had some good times, she is just going through one self-induced drama after another.  She is also so raw and revealing that I don't think I am helping and what she needs is a professional and of course this is always fuelled by booze.  We give each other an excuse to over indulge but more often than not now, our nights end in tears and the laughter seems a distant memory.  Now I know that friendships, like a marriage, are supposed to be there for the good and bad times but each relationship has its limits and I think we have reached our individual one.  My horoscope in the paper was very apposite today:

"This is an effective month for Clan Virgo with Mars in your sign busy ticking off the to-do list.  While relationships change, rearrange, and emerge shredded or strengthened, take a firm stand but be kind.  Postpone deep and meaningfuls until next week, when you're more likely to be heard."

I am also currently toying again with taking the pledge.  A broken record I know and I am imbibing even as I type but in the same way I have given up other substances in the past, I do feel like the fun has gone out of this passion too.  A light extinguished, a realisation that I have been sold yet another pup.

However, because I know myself well, I am trying to think of a suitable substitute to focus on instead of my current habit of using drink and then food, as entertainment.  I keep remembering the sign I read in an Amsterdam coffee shop years ago about cannabis use - smoke because you love it, not because your bored.  It struck a cord at the time as it was probably one of the later Dam visits and I knew deep down that that poster was aimed squarely at people like me.  So the gloss is coming off of my boozing - like the other big ticket items in my experience, they are proving to be ultimately very unsatisfying, malnourishing and on analysis, much more trouble than they are worth - but there must be something else to believe in ...

Lady Marzipan and the 49er...

Curled up on a nearby duvet is a delicious smoochy pooch.  Toffee coloured, muscular, big boobs, small but stocky - can look intimidating but is (mostly) just curious and gentle HOWEVER, she has the capacity to bite your face off at the drop of a hat.  Am I talking about me [again], no, Lady Marzipan, aka TW.  Not the kind of mutt that I usually find ascetically pleasing but I have wanted a four-legged companion for such a long time that I truly feel that one of those empty chambers in my heart has been filled at last.  Wow, melodramatic or what but I actually have a tear or two in my eye as I type this stream of consciousness!  She is currently gently snoring after a day of two long walks, two good meals and my company.  I have just realised in hindsight that as with so much else in my life, you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. [I know a song about that~!] Funny, she has only been with us a few weeks but I know that already without any shadow of a doubt. the same way I knew about that other toffee coloured creature in my life - himself (or as he likes to be called "Master"), that she is a keeper.

I did ask myself that typical narcissistic question "... why can't I just exactly have what I want"  I mean if I really want a particular type of dog when why not just buy one, thousands of people do.  But although I toyed with it for an hour or so and surfed the various breeding sites, ultimately I just couldn't do it.  It had to be a dog given up for adoption and through a circuitous route, Lady M came our way.   On paper I wasn't sure but something made me decide to follow through on the meet and greet and once seen, the Lady M spun her charms and if not love, it was certainly respect at first sight - and we should never under estimate the power of the wagging tail, because we all just want to be loved.

She is allowing me to be me, what a great beginning

No more dinner at Tiffany's?

I recently wanted to try to cheer up a mate, we were in the pub (not her natural habitat) and she had had a hard day, week - year and so an easy way to do this for a woman (in particular this woman) is a little flattery .... "nice ear-rings" they were nice, they suited her, having just come from the office after a difficult day, it was my shorthand way of saying I thought she was handling the situation well.  It was a genuine compliment.  In fact I didn't think all that deeply about it as it left my mouth ... "nice ear-rings".  "Tiffany's" came the reply.  If it had been anyone else I probably would have answered in a jocular style ... "well you had better give them back", not especially funny and certainly not original but it would have been my way of lightening the mood, countering is my thing, dropping in a little tempering sarcasm about the wearer's smugness and nod to their prostration at the alter of consumerism, whist still acknowledging the fact that there were indeed "nice ear-rings" etcetera but it would have been wasted on her and in fact I kept these instantaneous thoughts to myself and just said something like "oh, well they are very nice" - I thought it was just better to be polite and move on.  Well they were nice but frankly they would have been nice had they been purchased from a cheap & cheerful accessory shop, they were very simple, silver earbobs.   Although I said no more about them, her reaction typified everything I had been feeling about both her and our relationship for some time.  The building of a wave and the response "Tiffany's" sent the wave cresting and crashing.  The wave has been dribbling and making its inevitable way to the shore and petering out since that point and now I do not think I will be having any more (or experiencing her oh so 'unique' way of ordering) dinners with her or her Tiffany adored lugholes. 

I have been questioning why I am spending time with someone I just don't really respect - I know,

who the hell I am I to judge and that is just it.  I don't feel I can spend anymore time with this person and go through the endless saga of the various strands of her life, when she recounts tales of her work trials and tribulations, boyfriend issues and personal health issues whilst she sits there eating her 'metaphorical' chocolate mousse and making no real efforts to make any change.  As per usual she wants to have her mousse and eat it! The best person I know for talking a good health and diet plan, who thinks buying a diet book, DVD, talking about it endlessly will actually make the pounds fall off.   We have very little in common and I am unsure if it is her culturally shaped manners clashing with mine but I find her attempts at being over-scheduled, and my part in that schedule, as being a little blatant e.g. I am merely being used as a person to do things with.  Now I know this is a time honoured pattern of acceptable behaviour for some mates but it is become less and less subtle. 

The last time we socialised together I did not acquiesce to her but to another friend about where and when to meet (another equally alpha female) and I was somewhat in the middle and it rather pissed me off!  She also has form in this regard and I was just a little tired of the endless selfishness, particularly as this was pleasure we were supposed to be organising, not work and furthermore, we were not being unreasonable and a table had been booked.  But I have no doubt if anyone asked her about my behaviour, she would say I am totally selfish too.  So an impasse and I may have deliberately scuppered the friendship however sub-consciously.  I wasn't rude or impolite but at worst a little indiscrete but it actually came from a fairly good place - she looked a little downcast and I felt a little guilty about what had transpired and so I made another specific enquiry about something important in her life that might make her forget her hideous workday story for a few minutes whilst she focussed on her boyfriend, so I had asked if she had seen him recently and referred to him by name.  I thought this would again cheer her up a little but according to the third party, I was glared at. Being at least bottle of wine down, I clearly failed to pick up on this and although I don't think I went on about it too much and I think she only said yes to my enquiry, despite sending her a message the next day to wish her well with work related issues, I had no acknowledgement, subtle or otherwise.  I think in Tiffany's world that is her response. 

Again despite my past, I do have a problem with her situation, the fact that she is so submissive in that area and the fact that it severely limits any potential she has to be happier but like my other alpha female mate at the gathering that night, I do understand that we each handle the feelings of loneliness in our lives differently and again who am I to judge but I just don't think I can be around that vibe anymore.  I want to change for the better, I want to improve my health and mental outlook, I am feeling like ambition is rising again and I do want to do, what I want to do in my next decade and I also feel like being around people who will support me, nourish me, be positive roles models and genuine friends. Two-way traffic. 

I don't want to upset or hurt anyone so I think that that fairly empty 'GAP' type relationship should just be allowed to dissolve gently to stop that from happening.  The 'friendship' has served its purpose and run its course.

 

Better to be polite and move on.

Banality Now ....

Just got around to actually looking up the definition of 'redux' from the Latin to bring back, resurrect, lead back.  I fancy way of film marketeers suggesting to the masses that is not just a repeat but somehow dusting off the film stock and turning up the colouration a bit etcetc and putting it out there again gives is it a new lease of life (money for practically nothing).  Still if the original was a classic and the one of the positive aims is introducing it to the next generation - making a load more cash for very little is a clever move and keeps the movie business in the money making business - it may even be a noble enterprise as it will mean that they have the capacity to encourage and subsidize original work, give new writers, directors and actors a chance to help them make even more money for them in the future.

Not too sure why my mind has strayed onto this topic - just the two words, second word NOW.  But I wonder if what is on my mind reminds me of the themes from that movie, not the 'horror' but perhaps the more banal aspects.   Hypocrisy = the practice of professing standards, beliefs, etc., contrary to one's real character or actual behaviour, especially the pretence of virtue and piety.  Funny, I always protest to really dislike this trait in others and of course as usual - I doth protest too much!

                 You have to live with the people in hypocrisy for them to stay happy with you

I am one - there confession, but then that trait is deep in my DNA and I react with the emotional intelligence of a jellyfish (a stupid, reactionary one at that!)  I just wish being mindful of it meant that I could take this, and various other repellent characteristics, and expunge them - have I swallowed a dictionary?

As per my usual motivation to err, emote, it has been sparked off by an incident, but probably more likely an accumulation of stuff, that has gotten on my ....... [fill in the blank] lately.  Culminating this week in the discovery of my significant other surfing the net for the most banal thing on there but of course what men have  been seeking out since time began - and secretly what it was invented for (well done Mr Tim Berners-Lee), well if not him then certainly the genius to came up with the 'reuxed' the tablet with its handy 'easy to wipe' screen!  It could have been a lot worse and I did of course over-react and was indeed hypocritical (note to self: see previous Run Rabbit Run post!) but ultimately I was disappointed at the banality of the situation.  What does it really say about our relationship blar blar... - it says that it is undoubtedly just as banal as many other relationships.  What us 'modern' people seek and find very easily is instant gratification because we are all just lazy opportunists and for those of us lucky enough to survive in the developed world, we are surrounded by abundance, so why not just have it all and have it now?

I have heard the term 'moral compass' a lot lately - the new buzz phrase used a lot by politicians and other worthies.  I certainly know my 'compass' is askew.  I think the other reason why I reacted (and it was a genuine response of disappointment that the history was so easily visible - a 'school boy' error if you will and thus such blatant disregard of the consequences made that act the thing that caused the upset, ironically, not really the thing itself.... wot?) was that the evening before was spent with a friend who continues to break the 'loneliness' taboo.  My reaction to her rawness of need and desperation is a combination of disgust that she gives men such power over her and then I wonder why I too take my relationship so for granted when it is all she longs for (not so much a man as a warm, supporting body).  Again, a person in a long term relationship taking their partner 'for granted'.  What is really means is being taken advantage of.  That is true. That is BANAL.

Perhaps I should throw the bunny away, stop being a hypocrite and treat my significant other with some (over due) respect.  But then simple but effective, no fuss, easy gratification is just so good!

Talk about mixed messages from the WWW.  But then like every great oracle, interpretation can be found to justify any position!    

It is time for a change, at least attempt it.  I like this flowchart I came upon - simple and effective (but I suspect, not easy)

A shot across the bow - REALLY

Meaning - a warning shot, either real or metaphorical

Well I guess maturity just doesn't come into this equation.  Love is a battlefield and other cliches.  I have a mate with a complicated love life.  She was having a relationship but now it has morphed into a 'friend with benefits' situation.  Now this may have been exactly what he wanted and it took a long time to get to this situation and for a while he kept her at arms length and then he broke up with her.  It was a booze fuelled, emotional parting of the ways.

She then went through the painful, ego-bruised, howling at the moon stage followed by the forensic stage but then he started to text her again.  I am not a fan of the 'text relationship' far too much room for mis-communication and mis-interpretation of meaning and the ever shifting  rules of the dating game.

Now during their 'relationship' stage, like many couples, they slowly get involved with each others friendship circles.  I presume this is natural progression, making their coupledom public - it is a form of commitment but also this means that my mate was seeking the bonus validation of her friend's tick-in-the-box approval, yes he is good company, yes he is attractive, yes he is generous .....  "oh really, he has an amazing job and is well paid too!" ad nauseum. It all starts to become not a statement of "not only I am really happy with this potential relationship but for me to be REALLY happy, you need to also be envious".  Now I understood that way of thinking when I was at high school, nearly all the gals I knew who were trying their hand at the boyfriend thing wanted this validation, but I am surprised that for some, this thirst doesn't diminish with age and experience. I have wondered that if I was in my mate's shoes - would I be doing and feeling the same thing.  Frankly I am not so sure I would.  When does this behaviour go over some line and become too needy.  I do have my theories about why their relationship phase soured but you never really know what goes on away from an audience and of course you only usually get one-side of the story, your friend's and so you mostly give them the benefit of any doubt. 

So fast-forward to now, recently the FWB is being re-introduced to the 'mate scene' and although I am worried about the implications for my mate and wonder if she is making a mistake and rushing a potential strategy to turn him into boyfriend again - it was good to see him again and clearly my mate wanted her friends to re-connect as she considered it the right time to test the waters again. 

Well although he is a 'people pleaser' and fancies himself as a bit of a Playboy, I think he was genuinely pleased to see me again and perhaps relieved that despite all the stories I was bound to have heard about the split and the lead up to it.... I wasn't giving him a hard time (well they are both well over the age of consent afterall!)  So the booze-soaked evening continued to be fun but I was playing catch up and then he crossed a little line and got a bit carried away with telling me how much he missed me etcetc.  Now whilst I don't buy into his hyperbole, it is nice to hear a bit of flattery and our exchange (body language) was well and truly "clocked" from there on in. 

Next chapter and I spent time with my friend again a few days ago and once she was tipsy and we were alone, she concocted a little scenario about her "man" bonding with another friend of ours but I was in no doubt that she was ...... shooting across my bow.  It is an interesting technique for getting your point over whilst not entirely confronting the supposed perpetrator!  She continued using phrases like unacceptable behaviour and how seeing her man bonding with others hurt her feelings and a whole lot of other stuff. 

My take on this is, well he is not your boyfriend, she will not change him and she started up with him again no doubt hoping that she could win him over with her feminine charms.  Well I hope for her sake she does but getting involved with him again and giving him all the power may not pan out the way she wants.  He is fair game, safe to flirt with as he is NOT her boyfriend but a 'friend with benefits' but clearly she expects her friends to treat him as her partner because that is what she wants and we must be 101% loyal. 

I am not so sure that is the best strategy - if she is not happy about her friends being playful with him then I don't know if she will be able to deal with potential trouble ahead, let's just say if she finds out he is not being 'exclusive'!

All I can do is hope she will be OK with their next stage.  I sincerely hope that he is that into her.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie..... that's indigestion!

For many people (including myself for many many years) the Friday night combination of ... 

 accompanied by ....

washed down with ....

would be a little moment of culinary heaven on earth.  For me many many times over the years it has been but I fear no longer - as per usual I am sitting on the computer recording this warning to myself as I am wide awake as my digestion system cannot sleep and deal with processing the above substances.  I was drowsy (and full) at midnight and woke up at 2am feeling horrible.  Big surprise, a lot of white flour and cheese, low quality tomato paste and a nasty after taste of garlic butter coming up from the depths - NICE

So it may be that this is another combination that I will have to put into the junk file and cease and desist.  I didn't plan to have this meal tonight.  I nipped to the supermarket to get some vegetables to go with the prawns, broccoli and rice noodle dish I was going to do.  However I was tempted by the reduced pizza in the chiller cabinet and then a light-bulb went off and I thought.... go on, get garlic bread it is Friday night - blar blar blar.  Well I am regretting it now and I am committing this to my cyber space journal to remind me NOT to do this again.  I didn't even really enjoy the food as I was eating it, I was just hungry and the pizza was over cooked anyway as I didn't take it out early enough and then 20 mins after eating that (and full) I proceeded to get the garlic bread out of the oven as I didn't want to waste it - I did not need it.  Then I washed it down with questionable cheap red plonk.

Hmmmmm, remember NOT to do this again.  Three pints of water since 2am and now it is 4.30am and still wide awake but I have a full day planned tomorrow and because of my silly dinner choice, potentially I won't enjoy that as much as I would have had I had the damn prawn & veg dish and 6-8 hours sleep!

I only have myself to blame (and the siren call of pizza and garlic bread)