Minutes suspended in Years

I heard this phrase today and thought it very insightful, it is the name of the new Alison Moyet album and it is her philosophy about life the universe and everything.  She is now 52 and refuses to apologise for it.  She is talented and sick of compromising and felt compelled to write her own album of original material in collaboration with the person who also produced it.  She is to be admired. I must check it out when it is released.  This title is a summation of her thoughts about happiness, elusive but on reflection is can be expressed as joyful minutes suspended in years.  It maybe a 'glass half empty' attitude but perhaps that is just the way the gal from Basildon feels and she is entitled.  Why do we all have to go around pretending life is all 'sunshine and lollipops' like those companies selling us washing powder would have us believe?

On that subject I am not terribly impressed with myself.  Despite my attempts to curb my self-indulgence, I only lasted until Friday night and I was feeling pretty good about it all but really fancied drinks with my mates but alas drank too much, expressed my opinions - no doubt way too forcefully (probably not only bordering but entering obnoxious territory) but maybe I too had thoughts and feelings to get off my chest (no matter how unpalitable) and wanted to talk about them and not just be a sounding board for other everyone else's dramas.  After all, isn't that what friends are for?  

 

However I recall my horoscope from last week and it did mention that there would be a sudden change in a close relationship.  Well that person may actually be Sonya and I am not entirely sure that I would blame her as I think everything is forgivable in a friend except insulting their immediate family - of course they can bitch and moan about them until the cow's come home but they are off-limits when it comes to anyone else pointing out their deficiencies and I think in this particular relationship, Sonya is allowed to be a strong and challenging personality with many and various proclivities but I guess I am not and so that is a deal-breaker.  Perhaps the timing is right anyhow.

The only actual physical fight I have ever had was when I was coming up for 13 and I was an opinionated loud-mouth (so much for the maturity and getting of wisdom theory....) I was overheard commenting to some school acquaintence that the mum of a a girl on my estate that I was getting fairly friendly with had huge boobs - oh the irony!  Anyhow, said girl somehow overheard or had it reported back and she took great exception to this comment, even though it was true, It was of course childish and rude to point it out.  So she called me out but had her champion be the one to challenge me to the fight.  I can't remember all the ins & outs at this distance but I remember negotiating with both her and her mate (a feisty little black gal who was looking for any excuse to hit someone and was very indignant about someone taking the piss out of her mate's mum's endowments) and so there was no getting out of it.  I had other unknown older girls coming to find me throughout the day, they assessed me with one look and then told me through sucked teeth that I would "be mashed up" they were right!  And so I recall there was no getting out of it and in the playground I was surrounded and the girl heralded in like Apollo Creed (but I was no Rocky with a south-paw) just a mouthy, frightened little lilywhite arsed new girl who had to be corrected.  There was hair pulling and a perhaps a few swipes but it was pulled apart fairly promptly and only sustained the odd scratch and bruise but emotionally it was one of the lowest moments of my school life (well life).  I vaguely remember waiting to be picked up from the school management office, by my dad and brother and I was probably snivelling the entire time - I think I was in shock.  I am still that pathetic excuse today.  I have learned NOTHING.  I think I am IT but I am SHIT (a note I once found in my locker at that same school although whether it was before or after the skuffle is no longer remembered).  They were right at that school all along.  I am at a loss as to what to do about my nature.  The only thing I can do is extricate myself for a while and just really think about life, the Universe and everything.  Recalling the fight I realise in a flash that I haven't changed one bit neither have I learned a damn thing in all the intervening years.   Talk about a coward - but why?  I have a bit of intelligence, why am I like this? 

 

 

 

Let all the children boogie ...

I had a funny day today, not enough sleep last night as I went to bed after 3am and then the alarm clock jolted me awake probably 3 hours before I was ready..... a touch of a hangover as I started drinking at around 9.30pm onwards and polished well over a bottle of lovely cheap vin rouge.  (I know so much for all my protestations on previous posts!)

Then followed another intense day of talking with various people about their continuing work problems. However I only managed around 30 minutes "official" work.

But my mind keeps coming back to the fact that I cannot really carry on like this without negative consequences, not least talking bollocks.  I have a unique opportunity at the moment and if I put my mind to it, I have just enough time to do myself some real good as going through withdrawal (wow, that sounds dramatic) is a thing best tackled alone. 

Anyway here I am on day one of my attempting to turn over that leaf yet again!  I had to dash out at 9pm though to get some chocolate ice-cream to help me cope without the usual evening liquid sugar and the night sky took me aback as it was so beautiful.  It was very calm and clear, the moon and stars were exactly the same as in this photo but it was about one hour later than this would have been taken and so it was classic dark blue in hue which made the half moon and two stars much more brilliant by contrast.  I put the key in the ignition to drive the 5 minutes back home and David Bowie's 'Starman' was playing just as I was glancing up at the beautiful night sky again and a little flashbulb of empowerment exploded in my mind - I am sure my esoteric mate would say it was a sign from the Universe (and that!)  But as I type, I genuinely feel like I am in a good place and I want to make real in-roads into breaking this bad habit over the next few months.  Mostly I want to capitalize on being alone to wrestle with it and the resulting emotions that will likely bubble up to the surface as I have dulled them with copious drink (and food) for so long.

 

If we sparkle he may land tonight.....

 

 

When you wish upon a star...

It is not the first time I have felt compelled to write an update over the last 3 and a half months but it is first time compulsion and inspiration have collided.  I also saw this picture last week and it struck a cord.  Not least because I love the colourful image. This is how I feel, no I am not on the "good" drugs, I am relatively high on life.  

It is all a whirl and heightened by the fact that my housemate (husband) has been away for over a month, no he hasn't left me - well actually strictly speaking he has, but  am fairly sure he will return as he is on holiday.  He has a hobby which doesn't interest me but that should be no reason why he cannot fully pursue it and his own happiness.  My job is after all first and foremost to facilitate his happiness (I think it is in the marital contract).  The upside of this is that I am loving my me me me time.  I am never bored or lonely when alone - only sometimes with other people because my fragile ego is apt to get bruised in close proximity to other human beings - which is probably why I am happiest with furry animal companions. 

Still, we chat over Skype and on reflection we are probably talking more than we do on a typical working day and I am not having to wash and fluff his boxer shorts! Win, win.....

Work is tolerable, my volunteer work is very stimulating and my friends are still fulfilling the basic need of following an ongoing serial drama.  So here is an update on my own cast of players:-

Sonya - (desperate, self-absorbed, maddening, deluded, wonderful) she is flailing again in the workplace.  I do genuinely like her and want to help but it has just been one drama after another Ad Nauseum.  I am a very caring and patient friend but even I have my limits.  So she is beginning to destroy this opportunity because she (not unlike the rest of us) cannot help but be herself.  Yes she is relatively new to the role, yes she is stressed - blar blar - she has a habit of inferring that all support staff are plebs and should be seen and definitely not heard. She would be better suited to being a Conservative politician but ironically her heart is in the right place and she is a champagne socialist deep down.   Great company and a Bon Viver and Vivent but tramples on the 'little people's' hopes & dreams!  The Bishop of Bath & Wells in twin-set & pearls!

Lydia - (survivor, self-absorbed, maddening, deluded, admirable) Catholic guilt is a terrible hair-shirt.  Lydia is a classic example of making her bed and thinking she absolutely (!) has to lie in it.  She is bright and sometimes breezy but a bullshitter par excellence.   The thing is I think is actually managing to fool a lot of people a lot of the time but it is doing no one any good!  Mostly her. Lydia has a complicated over scheduled life that most pop-psychologists would say is compensation for her bitter loneliness.  Blimey move over Freud!  She is a very decent woman but insists on being ridiculously over stretched to the point of breaking but seems to want it no other way - but seems to assume that we will all partition whoever is in charge to ensure she is eventually canonised.  Unlikely but I hope she finds happiness and equilibrium eventually.

Marissa - (self-absorbed, maddening, deluded, loving) overall on the surface loving.  I say on the surface but I think she really means it on more than one level - an achievement in this day and age! I am no doubt just cynical but Marissa is classic ying & yang and she wants it all and she wants it now.  Very childlike but compelling - ala Marilyn.  Good looking and capable but sadly not as good looking and capable as she advertises herself to be and so her clients are sometimes left perplexed or worse, litigious!

Tanya - (tenacious, self-absorbed, maddening, did I say self-absorbed?) why do I continue to see this person. She hasn't had to work for a living for over a year but managed to get a pay-out and then a job paying her well but she did the equivalent to say 2 days work for 3 months salary.  Still the world of work has been a rocky road for her and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, least of all a friend.   The irony is when I hear about her latest progresses, again there is that childlike notion of assuming one interview with an agency and she has it signed and sealed and is thinking about when she can book her holidays and can she work from home.  I worry that she may be losing her incident room.

My parents - (maddening, deluded, loving, forgiving, under-privileged generation, maddening, stereotypes) maddening is there twice very deliberately.  I had no choice about this and they only have themselves to blame about the way I turned out - nature & nurture.  I care about them a great deal and I want them to have golden years as the baby-boomers were sold a pup even more than Gen-X but they just don't seem to analyse anything!  I wish them joy but they are just not that bright.  They are clever and pragmatic and a product of their generation and have done well despite it all.  So I again admire them but I struggle to respect them. I am their child and they fulfil their contract by loving me but I am not entirely sure it is unconditional.  I am a variously a pet/adversary and enemy - or all three at once.  A cross they must bear!

The supporting cast - many and various work colleagues and acquaintances that I have seen over the past month or so.  So many dramas and I am once again becoming a counsellor.  Is that where my strengths and future lay or am I just perceived as a good listener and safe haven?  A keeper of secrets?  Oh dear - if they only all knew the REAL me.

the extras - pretty much as all above but I do love it.  I have a full and potentially drama packed week ahead, lunching tomorrow with a powerhouse that I have coveted for a while but I am not entirely sure why.  I like and respect her though and perhaps I am just hoping that some of her wisdom rubs off and she magically offers to be my mentor but I suspect she just needs to off-load like everyone else. 

Over my coffee breaks on both Saturday and today I glanced at my horoscope and this was the warning (which I intend to remember and heed as I do feel like in so many ways I am sitting on a power keg - which is not entirely a bad feeling!) :

Saturday 16th March - This isn't the week to request feedback unless you're ready for uncensored directness [God no....] Pointing out flaws could also have combustible results, so certain opinions will be best kept to yourself.  The more sprightly, spunky elements of your own nature are quite likely to emerge, so don't be surprised if you find yourself on a vibrant, vivacious and unexpected ride.

Sunday 17th (happy St Paddy Day) - A close relationship will undergo some sudden changes.  Someone is behaving in an unpredicable manner.  This is your chance to get out of a rut.  Stiff routines dull your intellect and undermine your happiness.

Cripes!   So just remember ....

I do - is that so bad? (Nourish & Quench) xx

The armpit of the year (and other thoughts)....

I heard that quote on a radio show and to my mind it perfectly describes the days between Christmas and New Year.   I think everyone feels the malaise to a certain degree, the anti-climax of the big day, too much time with the family, enforced jollity, too much time to think, lists of chores planned when there was no time are now neglected because who can be bothered due to general mental exhaustion.  I have also been suffering over the last few days from post Madmen (series 5) blues.  If it isn't already, it should be a recognised syndrome.  This series isn't for the faint-hearted and although sharp, sleek, brilliantly well written and executed drama, it is sometimes cynical but compelling (and masochistic) viewing for anyone who has spent their working life in offices. 

Having said that I do want to be Joan when I grow up....  I bet the actress that plays her would like to as well as she gets the best lines and really does try to help in her own way. 

28th Dec - the last episodes of series five were followed by a fitful night after drinking and eating late again, I went for an early morning walk which turned into an even longer walk and I was tired and emotional and feeling the withdrawal effects of the MM world.  However, after a coffee and read of the paper I began to feel better and it was due in no small part to reading my stars.  Instead of the usual fare, the compiler took a holiday and put in a quote from a notable person with the same star sign.  Mine was from Mother Teresa and I felt quite humbled and instantly better after reading it ...

"People are often unreasonable and self-centred.  Forgive them anyway.  If you are honest, people may cheat you.  Be honest anyway.  If you find happiness, people may be jealous.  Be happy anyway.  The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.  Do good anyway.  Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough.  Give your best anyway."

Then out of interest, and as I suppose if any of this star business has any basis and is responsible for my psyche, I read my Dad's and then my Mum's too - yin & yang but the two sides of my personality are perfectly summed up....

"Unhappiness is the ultimate form of self-indulgence... you get to take yourself oh so very seriously.  The unhappy person resents it when you try to cheer him up, because that means he has to stop dwelling on himself and start paying attention to the universe." Tom Robbins

"On planet Earth, man has always assumed he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much - the wheel, New York, wars etc - while all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time.  Conversely, the dolphins had always believed they were far more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons." Douglas Adams

For good measure, I read my beloveds ...

"Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and give thanks continuously.  And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.  There is no beautifier of complexion, or form, or behaviour, like the wish to scatter joy and not pain around us" Ralph Waldo Emerson

All very sound advice and I want to take heed.  So far I am on day 3 of the new me...... despite it all, I am doing right anyway.  The Mayans might be right and the end of 2012 could indicate a new era.  It is unlikely to be all about me but you never know and perhaps the Universe will give me a hand to think more like a dolphin and get things into the proper proportion!

Run rabbit run....

Now I, like most adults, get the occasional urge to indulge in a little DIY, precision (no fuss-no frills) pleasure.  During these rare interludes, I have a pleasant half hour of me me me time and my pal Roger the Rabbit makes a guest appearance.  He is nothing special to look at but he does have his uses - even sans his AA's. 

I remember the occasion when Roger came into my life for the first time.  I was having lunch for some great gal pals, Amalie, Ellie and Carol and inevitably because of the company I was with, the conversation turned to bedroom gymnastics.  It then transpired that they sometimes employed plastic aids and they were as one, horrified when I told them that not only did I not use them, I had none.  Now I can't recall if my colleagues had imbibed over our repast (I don't think we did) but they all insisted that post-lunch, we go (they practically marched me) to the High Street purveyor of toys and dress ups for big boys and girls.  Well what a selection.  I choose Roger as he was modest in price (and size.....!) had the basic functions and at that time, the very popular TV series featuring Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and of course, Charlotte had recently aired an advert for Roger and his friends - the alternative adventures of Brier Rabbit!  The funniest thing was that after making my selection and going to the counter, the check out chick asked me 1) if I would like some special cleansing wipes for Roger and 2) did I want to super-size it.....  my eyes watered as I politely declined and handed over my credit card.

The girls knew that my partner was away that weekend and warmly congratulated me in anticipation of my introductory session with my new friend (the honeymoon if you will..)  I remember feeling a little uncomfortable (no pun intended) as I opened my present - almost like I was cheating and with trepidation, experimented with the various buttons and speeds.  I recall many minutes of feminine rushes and I was a convert.  Thank you ladies.

I let the AA's wear down over the following months and Roger came out to play less and less but nonetheless he stays on my Christmas card list.  We had a visit just recently when the stars aligned and after his post session cleanse I went to put him back in his downtime space but must have got distracted by something and rather than putting him back, I just put him nearby.  I then promptly forgot all about it and Roger stood upon the shelf loud & proud and was no doubt enjoying his freedom for a few hours.   Fast forward to that evening when my partner returned from work and I was sitting watching telly with the cat on my lap having a brush.  He went into Roger's room to alight his work accouterments and then turned around to put some loose change into the container and some Kerr-ching cash into this slush fund which was on the same shelving unit as Roger, who was no doubt winking at him, sending out a silent Ha-Ha - channelling Nelson in the Simpsons.  I do wonder what went through my partner's mind but I had admitted to owning Roger previously but I guess it was a case of our of sight out of mind.  So he picked Roger up and brought him out to me to ask why he was on display...... I think I kept a straight face and said I was clearing out my drawers (whoop whoop) and had thought to throw him away.  So little loyalty on my part!  I said he could have Roger if he wanted to and I got a no thanks in response and he put Roger back where he found him.  As I type Roger is still standing loud and proud on the shelving unit but it has been a few days of freedom and I think he should go back in his box now.  Nite nite Roger, I don't plan to throw you away like that kid in Toy Story but I cannot say when I will get you out to play again, you may be in hibernation for a while. 

Thats all folks but do treat yourself to some new AA's soon!

 

Bread and Circuses

Here I am again,4.40am and awake once more because of over-indulgence, this time wine and bread (linseed and soy toast spread thick with butter) as I was on the red and 2/3rds into the bottle, I couldn't be bothered to cook.  In fact I had earmarked a main course salad but that was not appealing once I had started boozing and so I think I had about four-rounds, and fairly late at night....

I have eaten bread as far back as I can remember, the fresher, the better and I love it, but along with wine it is becoming a dangerous and increasing indigestible combo.  I do crave carbs though when drinking - the two substances seem to go hand in hand but as I type, I feel pretty horrible again and why..... they both have to go. 

REMEMBER THIS FEELING

Let's talk about ...

... I can't complete that song title as someone typing in that 3-letter word would no doubt be extremely disappointed by the search result should they be tempted to click on this page, particularly as I plan to unburden myself about my feelings earlier today and I wouldn't want to burst any young person's bubble, either if they are in the first flushes of lust with a partner or worst still, yearning for an adult life they expect will be theirs at some point (surely) based on the evidence of their immediate surroundings but mostly because of the brainwashing by society - the media.  I particularly loved music growing up, I also love to sing and so was especially attracted to female singers from Suzi Q, the gals in a very famous Swedish outfit to music in the films my mum loved to watch - Doris and certainly, like your average sponge I was searching for clues and picked up a heap of mixed messages in my formative years - mostly 1940's, 50's & 60's American mix of aspiration and social engineering from the telly and British post-Victorian peasant values from my modern nuclear family.

However I think the musical touchstones in my 'yearning days' were of their (my) time,  Amoureuse by Kiki (74) and Seventeen by Janis (75) as I was fast approaching puberty.  I wonder if I would have the same attitude to this subject if I hadn't been so profoundly effected by these songs at such a tender age?  I remember the first time I heard Amoureuse, we lived in a small block of flats and I heard it coming from an open window in the block opposite, the net curtain was blowing in the breeze and it was played a few times in a row and loud enough for me to make out the words.  I wondered if the girl has just broken up with her boyfriend or just - yearniing - I know for the first time I was.  A strong memory, within a year, was on a hot summer's day when my family were at the beach and they were driving my crazy (as usual) and I wanted to be alone. I managed to get permission to go home alone, it wasn't far, because I wanted to play my new record and fantasize about being older and in control of my life - I played Summer Love Sensation over and over again and wondered when I would get to be a bleach blond surf bum's girl, like the ones I saw frolicing (without their parents) at every beach we went to.  The members of the band singing were almost the exact physical opposites but at the time I didn't see the irony or care - it held great promise that song and I couldn't wait!!!


In fact that word has always struck me as extremely powerful, so small a container for such huge and mixed emotions.  Out of interest I typed it into Google images to see what might come up, surprise surprise it is mainly represented by illustrations of naked women, realistic and abstract - a reward for any stray reader who was expecting a little flesh!  The definition is equally strong but mixed:

Have an intense feeling of loss or lack and longing for something. A persistent, often wistful or melancholy desire; a longing. Be filled with compassion or warm feeling.  Is yearning the same as passion (I dare not type that word into Google images!!!)

Everyone talks about passion in terms of what drives them, I have noted mostly in connexion with food related businesses.  I can't honestly say I feel it towards anything - I feel as though my life has a low libido.  I feel another definition coming on, just to be sure:  the psychic energy or instinctual drive associated with sexual desire, pleasure, or creativity.; (in psychoanalysis) the instinctual drives of the id; and lustful desire or striving.  Yeah - I was pretty much right!

When looking at the Y word images, I came across Maslow's famous diagram, but when I clicked on the picture to remind myself of the actual words, it was part of a site called Work the System and his post was titled 'The Yearning', this is the crux for me:

Everyone yearns for something better yet very few follow a focused plan to get there. Truth is, the majority of people just ride along and take what comes, hoping for the best. They forgo methodical efforts to create a better life and instead, fritter away their inner passion with immediate-gratification diversions.

Of course I already know that this frustration is the root cause of my lack of self-esteem, over indulging and so not being the best that I can be.  I heard something else profound fairly recently when went along the lines of - gain satisfaction from what you do or achieve and not merely from what you put in your mouth.  I paraphrase but it is the same as the other guy's rap.  I keep getting sent such messages, an esoteric acquaintance of mine would say it was the Universe sending me help.  Perhaps she is right.

Of course the above conluding message had to be in pink!!! This is not the missive I set out to write but then they rarely are.  To bed as - to quote Scarlet "... tomorrow is another day!"