Discipline is Liberation

Well I am down to my last sixth of my last  bottle of red.  Here we go.

http://creamychops.blogspot.com.au/

I still have about two good drafts or 4 sips left.  It tastes good, smooth with a mild kick at the end.  I am not drunk but I know I have had a drink.  I feel good

the last drop went down, without ceremony....

BYE x

Sacred Moments ....

It has been over a year since my last post.  It has been a year of considerable ups and downs.  But as I type I am three glasses into my beloved tranquilizer, namely cheap red wine.  I listened to an amazing podcast today, Brooke Castillo from the Life Coach School - check it out.  She said I am 100% in control of what I think and therefore go on to feel.  I am able to conquer anything and be invincible as I am in charge of my thoughts so in order to cease all self-sabotage, just do the work.

To lose weight, 1) be kind to yourself at all times 2) only eat when hungry 3) eat 2:2.  This apparently means determine over a fixed time period - say a week - on a scale of 1 to 10 when you are (1) hungry or (10)  stuffed and 5 being neutral.  Try to figure out what what takes you from -2 to + 2. She gave her mun's example of 6 almonds.  So just that relatively small yet significant amount of food - mouth feel & taste, chewing & processing and digesting, keeping you happy for a while.  It reminded me a bit like when I used to smoke [and I was a lot slimmer: just saying!] that it takes the edge off and you can carry on with whatever is occurring and you are not obsessed with eating for a while. Staving off hunger as the adage goes. 4) only eat foods that serve you. However if you fall for the charms of recreational food/drink or whatever does now or has previously done it for you, soothed you - go back to 1) and just be kind and start again.  She guarantees it will work and I can see how it would.

So I am still around 84 kilos (I have not weighed myself for ages but although I do stacks of dog walking and have recently started to swim again 3/4 times a week) as we all know exercise if fine but the amount of calories you consume if the main indicator of optimum health - and waist measurement!  I would imagine that is currently around 38". I am still a size 16 but on a really good day there is a fair bit of space between  my waistband and me - well I finger gap at least.  However I am really now declaring war on the health health health pushers.  I am sick of being made to feel guilty if I don't snort kale daily and knit my own [ken-wah sic] and sprouted pomegranate aril,hulled hemp seed lined tank top.  I don't believe it is all 'snake oil' but there is a not of band-wagoning going.  McDonalds will be offering 'zoodles' topped with a vegan & raw dressing before 2015 is over - just wait and see!

So on Sunday 14th June, almost exactly the middle of the year, I am pledging to REALLY take control as per the above recipe and tackle my bad habits and calorie consumption.  I know that I am can be really 'healthy' at breakfast (currently a banana x 2, blueberry, water & almond milk, water, chia, maca & cacao smoothie - consumed whilst doing the first dog walk of the day).  It is delicious, almost fat free and that is all my fruit and a fair whack of protein early in the day.  Then I swim and come home to (organic and free range) frittata - that also contains at least 3 or 4 types of vegetable - with good bread toasted with avocado as the spread.  Delicious and very satisfying.  So that is my good carbs & more protein.  I am sated until late on and start to think about dinner around 8pm,  We generally eat around 9(ish) and 9/10 times it is a veggie offering.  I occasionally include some salmon or tuna.  Himself gets the odd bit of meat as he really likes it, however luckily he is very much into monster salads these days so they feature highly with a variety of naughty cheese, feta & haloumi mostly, pine nuts and a ton of salad veggies.   Raw nuts and/or natural yogurt and homemade (read whatever is reduced) poached seasonal fruit follows.  Occasionally we will have a little bit of 70% chocolate to end the day.  All blissful and washed down with soda water and diet lime for me and blackcurrent squash for him.

So so far, so good and balanced.  However add red wine into the mix and I can down a bottle very quickly it also rouses the carb cravings.  the Craken awakes - well the Munchies Monster.  It is not as ravenous as the old Weed munchie monster but he still huffs, & puffs (hehe) and only a hefty amount of bread and cheese will satisfy him.  Not sure why I have made munchie monster a man, but I must stop over analyzing my demons!

So without that luscious fermented red juice, MM doesn't make an appearance.  So tonight I have decided that my current tipple (Wolf Blass Red Label 2014 Cabernet Merlot) will be my last for a spell.

I know I will miss it.  I know we have had a lot of fun together but it is time to grow up and leave my soothers behind.  It is now 11.15pm.  The MM has made me eat (mindlessly - yes not every act is MINDFUL) an entire pack of cheese flavoured rice crackers (rest assured no actual cheese was harmed in this incident!) I have a third of a bottle left and I have mixed emotions.  I want to leave her but I am enjoying her and already missing her before she has even gone. Interesting, the MM is male but the soother is female - paging Dr Freud!

So the sacred moment is identifying the craving.  Acknowledging what emotion is coming up, name it and deal with it.  Apparently this is the time when you decide if you are going to indulge or resist. So I am going to try to defy Wilde.  I can resist anything except temptation.  Well for a while at least let's see what happens if I replace the soother for running.  He do dares wins!

Is it futile? Is it entirely possible?  All I do know is that I do need something to change. x

I just need a .....

Nudge.  In this image I see my employer as the mommy elephant and I am very much the cute little calf, full of amazing potential. so they keep telling me, and although I suspect it may be true and is all very nice but staying with a lovely big body guard is very appealing.  I have been allowed to relax in her presence, and like most toddlers, have a lot of attitude, play up and take advantage of the situation/s.  But time is running out and even I can see what is coming.  However, my employer is like a parent.  Over the last few years I have morphed into a 'thing' that 'it' created and they have a moral responsibility to see me right!  I hope I am not exactly Frankenstein's monster and more like Dumbo but nonetheless I am slightly dopey!

So over the next few weeks I will find out if I am in the 'redundant' pile for the first time.  As I approach my half century would that be apposite!?

A [ram's] leap of faith...

I am currently enjoying a glass of delicious Merlot (unlike that character in Sideways) it is a lovely colour, it has a medium to full body, it has a lovely warm and mellow aroma and it goes down smooth.

Here is the back of the bottle marketing blurb "ram's leap - The vineyard is planted on the virgin soils of a 2000 year old river bed, rich in alluvial deposits.  Situated on the McLaughlin's 4th generation outback sheep station, the vines are maintained on a chemical free basis.  Sheep play a crucial roles in the vineyard for weed control.  Soft blackberry fruit with an earthy character. The addition of American oak provides a hint of liquorice"

I even purchased two bottles - so here I go - a mindful and tearful goodbye to my best friend.  (post script - but I only actually wanted just over one bottle in the end and I gave the rest away the next day).

Parting is such sweet sorrow, but it is time, this relationship is ultimately very bad for me.  I am put in mind of the how bereft I felt the (first time) I broke up with Clive all those years ago. At the time it felt like my heart broke - was it ego or love., I had undoubtedly been brainwashed by 20 years of love songs, movies and poetry etc - either way it resulted in pain, my eyelids where so puffy from crying that my little eyeballs were 'Rocky-esque' for a few days.  I remember our song was "Never Too Much" by Luther Vandross, for a while we were completely loved-up and this track was perfect, but ironically down the line, the B-side "Since I lost my Baby" was the song I grieved to.

Well that is how I feel now, Bacchus + Dionysus was(and is) a boy/man I am absolutely into (I truly truly love you B/D!) but our time is up as so many factors are telling me that although you might feel good a lot of the time, ultimately you are poison.  You are two, three, four and more timing me, you are a BAD boy - which means you are NOT respecting me.  Like the other vice of my past, the sweet smokey fags before you, I have loved 90% of our interactions and although I enjoy (and there is no substitute) the way you make me feel - after consuming the first first few glasses I feel warm and fuzzy, I actually like really myself - thank you.  But like that famous scene in "Raiders of the Lost Ark", when the Nazi baddies open the Ark, and what they think at first is the answer to all their prays, their vindication, it is actually death - and a nasty one at that (by the way, just how sexy was Harrison Ford in that bloody film) you are a wolf in sheep's clothing.


This state of mind has been coming for the entire time I have been penning this blog, I look back and time and again I have tried to consciously uncouple from you B/D.  It is however time to wipe my merlot-tints specs.....

What I take for love is no doubt just lust.

My wine-specs (that did let me down on many occasions back in the day) view this as a deep and meaningful relationship when in fact it is something much less nourishing, both physically and spiritually. Talk about using smooth and slick marketing tactics!  I am not in control, I am not revered, my breasts are not pert and I do have an artfully draped white silk scarf across my public hair area, cherubic children do not look up at me in awe and aspire to be me when they grow up, NO, I am really just caught up with a bit of a bastard and indulge in the cheap and lusty experience offered up.  To the left is reality, wobbly/ flabby impotence and without the spin, the situation does not look quite so good!

I was told my a doctor today that I have to 'reduce'.  I take it on board but of course I don't like being told what to do and so have resolved to achieve it my way.  The doctor reckons that although I may only be approaching my half century, it transpires that my ticker may be fast approaching old age.  I must reverse (or at least, slow) this process?  I do after all want to see this experiment out to its logical conclusion and don't want to miss out on any fun.  I just have to try to learn to do it without the aid of a quick fix.

I was so sad to hear about the recent death of C D-W, the other 'fat lady', Jennifer fell off the perch many years ago from lung cancer, but Clarissa had ditched her alcoholic vice in the 1980's and although she had cleaned up her act, the main reason she was morbidly obese was due to her decade long gin addiction -although her enthusiastic consumption of cream and butter may have also contributed.  The 'mother's ruin' was of course accompanied by copious bottles of tonic water each day.  Ironically it was the quinine that the alcohol free 'mixer' contained, that irreversibly 'ruined' her metabolism and her ability to lose the built up fat stored in her body.

Notwithstanding their individual vices they were both wonderful, entertaining, unapologetic, authentic women whom I admired, very much.

The cleaned up and stylized version of this lifestyle choice is [mis]represented by another couple of wonderful women, depict a couple of fabulous women living life to the full and not giving a damn for the consequences (Ab Fab was a brilliant and original comedy that also justified many a drinking session of my own along the way).  Still I must wise up, I know that Eddie & Patsy would be long dead in real life if they carried on like that! I am not super human, what makes me think that I can actually have my cake and eat it?

I heard a great quote today, you cannot be intelligent when you are emotional.  Not sure how I achieve that but I plan to try.  I will be mindful and see how I go, sweetie!

Just get FARCed.....! Focus, be Aware, Repeat and Celebrate

Drop to the heart, to the illuminated velvet, the place where love is - a quote(ish) by Amanda Gore.


I listened to a great podcast a couple of weeks ago called 'Up for a chat' when I started this post.  I was in a great frame of mind and to 'celebrate' Fri(pay)day, I got myself an lovely drop of organic shiraz.   I then got hungry and left this first line and now, 24 hours later, my mood is much altered.  I was OK most of the day, it was a good day in fact but my inner-voice hates me.   How can I stick to the FARCed track?

Focus, be aware, repeat and celebrate

How can I actually, consistently start to finally do the things I want to, despite myself, achieve what I want to achieve, without that enemy within taking over again and AGAIN.  Some might call it depression and perhaps that is what it is but I can't push myself to really do anything about it, admit to it, get over it.  I feel like I am just wasting my life.

I started this post two weeks ago and I feel somewhat different now,

So how about teardrops to 'raindrops'

Woops - that wagon is slippery!

So it is now 22nd February, I have been "off the wagon" [mostly] for 53 days - except for one spectacular slip and 1.5 mediocre ones.  The first was in early February after a series of nagging minor ailments that culminated in an afternoon of root canal which was painful and tedious, the self-indulgent child within got the better of me and I thought to myself in the Chair, what can I do to cheer myself up?  Well I was off to pub quiz that night anyway and a little - full glass of wine - light bulb went off and I thought ... "yes, am I going to have a drink tonight" as usual one turned into far too many but it was fun and my drinking buddy was pleased to have me back.  However for many and various reasons it turned out to be an expensive night and my liver no doubt despised me.  My a.m. self-loathing returned but only temporarily.  This had been mindful drinking and the reminder was a hangover, an empty purse, the loss of property, putting myself in harm's way and sustaining minor injuries.  It was a timely reminder that I really need to wise-up and grow-up.  But whilst it lasted, it was fun to have a time out from dull old life.


I then slipped again, a week or so later, into my old routine and had a Friday night bottle as I was home alone.  It was nice - like a comfortable slipper.  The consumption of one bottle does not intoxicate but it does provide a warm and fuzzy feeling that has much to recommend it, but of course I CANNOT be relied upon to leave it there and so that is why I am back to square one and am trying to be mindful again.  This is not just Feb Fast, this is lifestyle change.

Last night however I knew I would be home alone again and during the dog walk/supermarket run, the old thoughts about swinging into the wines & spirits section got the better of me - finger wagging Matron must have had a night off too - well I succumbed but you know, I didn't enjoy it.  It was helped by the fact that the wine was not to my taste - some Cab-Sav-Merlot NZ thing that was on special, and having tasted it, no wonder.  So after a couple of glasses I realised that no amount of wine breathing was going to improve the taste so I put the cap back on.  That at least is progress!

Whilst sourcing a suitable image for my thoughts, I came across a good blog entry that neatly summed up by (temporary) dilemma

Step 1 - Clarity The first step is to take some time to get really clear about what you want for your resolutions. Think about what things are really important to you. What issues have held you back year after year and what bad habits are you ready to drop? It’s important that this process isn’t rushed. We need to take some time to get clear about what we want to focus on for the new year. Start by making a list of your top 5 goals now.

Step 2 - Is it your goal? It’s really common for people to set a goal because they feel that they should do it. This is the fastest route to failure. Check in and see if the goals you wrote down are really your goals, or whether they are in fact someone else’s. Often, well-meaning family members can encourage us to make goals that are important to them – not us. If deep down inside you don’t want the goal, you can forget it. Cross out any goals on your list that are not really your own.

Step 3 - Motivate the goal Ask yourself this question: “Why do I want to achieve this? What will I gain?”

If you can’t answer this question immediately with four or five reasons why you want to reach this goal, then it’s unlikely you’ll ever reach it. Spend some time getting really clear about why you want this. Write down a list of reasons, as this will really energise the goal for you. Then, three months down the track when you’re losing motivation, you can refer to this list to remind yourself of why you need to keep going.

Step 4 - Assess what you might lose Ask yourself this: “What have I got to lose by achieving this goal?” The number one reason why people fail at their resolutions is because what they are set to gain does not outweigh what they will lose in the process. I’ll put this another way: if what you want comes at a price – be it physical, emotional, financial or mental – then this might block you from your own success. The mind works with simple equations. So, if you have a goal to lose 5 kg, then the mind will assess what it will cost you to reach this goal and if it feels like it’s not worth it you can say goodbye to reaching the goal. Here are a few examples of what losing 5kgs could cost you:

• Money to purchase health foods
• Time to exercise
• Sacrifice sleep to get up early to exercise
• Sacrifice the comfort that your favourite food gives you
• Sacrifice the fun from eating out

As you can see, there’s quite a lot to lose by reaching this goal. So, it’s important at this point to ensure you’re OK with losing all of these things, because until you make peace with this, you won’t reach the goal. One way of making peace is to put in place alternative methods of achieving what you will lose. For example, to ensure you don’t miss out on fun, you could organise a healthy event with friends and family in advance. To ensure you don’t lose out on sleep, you could go to bed an hour earlier.

Step 5 - Use your imagination Research has shown that visualisation techniques literally change the structure of the brain according to what you want to achieve. So, if you put aside time to think about losing weight, then you are much more likely to do it in real life. What’s more, the brain is often more motivated by pictures rather than numbers or words. It can be really helpful to spend a few minutes each day to visualise a scenario where you have already achieved your goal. For example I find that the clients I work with get really motivated by imagining themselves fitting into their skinny jeans, or their favourite cocktail dress. This image is much more motivating that just ‘losing 5 kgs’ because it has more meaning attached to it.

Cal-or-ie, I'm the same girl I used to be....!

Well now that I have managed to stay on the wagon for in excess of 21-days, according to perceived wisdom - that means the habit is now BROKEN.  Actually I am not feeling craven.  Each time, usually toward the end of yet another dull workday, the image of relaxing with red wine comes into my mind, and the inner voice body-slams that thought to the floor and says NO.

Now in my mind I have an image of the 'good' Matron wagging her finger at the 'bad' Matron exclaiming "just stop hurting myself, take control and don't be a LUSH". 

Interesting though that word lush in this context is Irish slang for  - one who drinks alcohol to excess habitually; an alky, boozer, dipsomaniac, souse, soaker, inebriate, rummy, sot or wino.  All conceived as 'bad'. But the other side of the coin is the positive connotations - the 'good' lush: abundant, dense (given the alleged killing off of brain cells by booze - that could be taken either way!), flourishing, lavish, prolific, teeming, verdant, luxurious, sumptuous, plush, opulent, ritzy, succulent, fresh, tender, ripe and juicy.

 

So that paragraph sums up the eternal struggle and allure of substances that help 'comfort' and blur the sometimes sharp (and dull) edges of reality.  However here she comes again ..... you can hear her heavy footfall coming down the mental corridor..... I have just finished listening to two audiobooks on my dogwalks, autobiographies read by the authors, Jane Fonda My life So Far and Carrie Fisher Shockoholic and Wishful Drinking.  Two actresses and authors that I really like and admire but both spent decades consumed by their substances abuse - they have found their way though and both acknowledge their good and bad experiences as a result.  But ultimately they have taken control of their lives but are aware they it is a constant battle of mindful intent to not just gently roll off that wagon back to temporary bliss and salve.  As 'Bad' Matron would rap

A MINUTE ON THE LIPS BUT A LIFE ON THE HIPS

Anyway, just weighed myself and measured my vitals and the numbers are in.  Despite not drinking red wine and consuming very few calorific drinks, despite not indulging in on average (not let's give my red wine monster the benefit of the doubt and say 5 bottles of week), that is 645 calories per bottle by 28 = 18060 calories....  [And as that one bottle of wine is apparently equivalent to = 14 Jaffa cakes or McDonald's Cheeseburger and medium fries!] I have lost - drum roll please........

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

I am the same girl I used to be.  So it looks like February might have to be not only booze free but phase two as low carb as I can tolerate, then I will see how the 'figures' compare at the close of next month. 


Bad Matron might have to wag that finger a with a bit more VIGOUR!!! at least it will burn off a few more calories.

T minus two and counting

Like hundreds of thousands of people in the Western World - perhaps millions - I am seriously contemplating making a New Year's Resolution. Over the decades,  I have always said I don't bother when people have enquired.  It has previously struck me as silly and 'sheep/lemming like' just something people say in January - a bit like talking about the weather when stuck in the lift with one other person who you sort of know. However I like the sound of 2014, it has a smooth and rounded ring to it and if positive thinking is as effective as some claim, I am feeling fairly determined to make some significant changes.   At the turn of midnight tomorrow - It will be just over 9 months to my BIG half century - a very significant landmark (and benchmark) in itself and 2014 is the year it falls in.  I was just about to mindlessly type that nine months and some days is a very significant time in itself and much can be achieved, yes, tell that to a few friends around the world who are younger and are soon to produce newborns.  Well that is not my story but I do want to have an adventure and I have to prepare myself for it, in the same way a woman should get her body ready and in the peak of condition to ensure a healthy child, it is almost a responsibility outside of yourself - getting broody isn't always about the overwhelming desire to produce the next generation but I imaging the undefinable feeling of longing is similar to that hormonal drive - perhaps this is just the next on a series of them throughout live.  

So I just need to focus and be mindful if I am to achieve what I want to and probably need to for all sorts of reasons in my next decade.

Time to use your Brains? 

Yes B'lady!

I have found DOG...

I was walking the mutt today and I mused (as I have many, many, times) over the interesting co-incidence that GOD spelt backwards is DOG.  Then of course I am reminded of the silly hysteria of a certain section of Western society that thought there were many satanic messages recorded backwards in the records that appealed to their young'uns in the 60's and 70's.  CAT backwards is nothing terribly profound, TAC - unless of course there is an all seeing eye out there called TAC and only felines are in the know (the chosen creatures), which would explain a lot.

Anyway, the cat that rules this roost is still the alpha female but I have been troubled this week by many more of this breed, the human kind and as a result, I am appreciating time spent with the TW, all the more.  Not that I am claiming that spending this quality time with the mutt is a particularly spiritual experience but it is allowing me time and space to reflect on all manner of stuff, during  our many long walks.  The pooch is not all that demonstrative and I think both of us are still in the 'getting to know you' stage but she is the least problematic female company I have at the moment.

At work I was a little cornered (but at least I had warning this time) by one into being her assistant - on top of what I already do for her and to the exclusion of the other aspects of my current role.  To be her assistant would be stressful, with no extra money or learning opportunities - I told her to forget it but in a very diplomatic way and I even used a white-lie to emphasise the point and I think she went away thinking a little more of me than before - but only time will tell.  There is no way I would be her assistant, she is a controlling, perfectionist, workaholic.  However the upside is that she is dynamic and I always know where we stand with each other!

Then on the pleasure (......) side, my drinking budding Sonya.  I have been reflecting on what it is that exactly constitutes our friendship.  What was previously a fun and supportive friendship has soured into me being a unpaid, and recently unappreciated, counsellor but it is one-way traffic and although she can be good company and we have had some good times, she is just going through one self-induced drama after another.  She is also so raw and revealing that I don't think I am helping and what she needs is a professional and of course this is always fuelled by booze.  We give each other an excuse to over indulge but more often than not now, our nights end in tears and the laughter seems a distant memory.  Now I know that friendships, like a marriage, are supposed to be there for the good and bad times but each relationship has its limits and I think we have reached our individual one.  My horoscope in the paper was very apposite today:

"This is an effective month for Clan Virgo with Mars in your sign busy ticking off the to-do list.  While relationships change, rearrange, and emerge shredded or strengthened, take a firm stand but be kind.  Postpone deep and meaningfuls until next week, when you're more likely to be heard."

I am also currently toying again with taking the pledge.  A broken record I know and I am imbibing even as I type but in the same way I have given up other substances in the past, I do feel like the fun has gone out of this passion too.  A light extinguished, a realisation that I have been sold yet another pup.

However, because I know myself well, I am trying to think of a suitable substitute to focus on instead of my current habit of using drink and then food, as entertainment.  I keep remembering the sign I read in an Amsterdam coffee shop years ago about cannabis use - smoke because you love it, not because your bored.  It struck a cord at the time as it was probably one of the later Dam visits and I knew deep down that that poster was aimed squarely at people like me.  So the gloss is coming off of my boozing - like the other big ticket items in my experience, they are proving to be ultimately very unsatisfying, malnourishing and on analysis, much more trouble than they are worth - but there must be something else to believe in ...

Lady Marzipan and the 49er...

Curled up on a nearby duvet is a delicious smoochy pooch.  Toffee coloured, muscular, big boobs, small but stocky - can look intimidating but is (mostly) just curious and gentle HOWEVER, she has the capacity to bite your face off at the drop of a hat.  Am I talking about me [again], no, Lady Marzipan, aka TW.  Not the kind of mutt that I usually find ascetically pleasing but I have wanted a four-legged companion for such a long time that I truly feel that one of those empty chambers in my heart has been filled at last.  Wow, melodramatic or what but I actually have a tear or two in my eye as I type this stream of consciousness!  She is currently gently snoring after a day of two long walks, two good meals and my company.  I have just realised in hindsight that as with so much else in my life, you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. [I know a song about that~!] Funny, she has only been with us a few weeks but I know that already without any shadow of a doubt. the same way I knew about that other toffee coloured creature in my life - himself (or as he likes to be called "Master"), that she is a keeper.

I did ask myself that typical narcissistic question "... why can't I just exactly have what I want"  I mean if I really want a particular type of dog when why not just buy one, thousands of people do.  But although I toyed with it for an hour or so and surfed the various breeding sites, ultimately I just couldn't do it.  It had to be a dog given up for adoption and through a circuitous route, Lady M came our way.   On paper I wasn't sure but something made me decide to follow through on the meet and greet and once seen, the Lady M spun her charms and if not love, it was certainly respect at first sight - and we should never under estimate the power of the wagging tail, because we all just want to be loved.

She is allowing me to be me, what a great beginning

No more dinner at Tiffany's?

I recently wanted to try to cheer up a mate, we were in the pub (not her natural habitat) and she had had a hard day, week - year and so an easy way to do this for a woman (in particular this woman) is a little flattery .... "nice ear-rings" they were nice, they suited her, having just come from the office after a difficult day, it was my shorthand way of saying I thought she was handling the situation well.  It was a genuine compliment.  In fact I didn't think all that deeply about it as it left my mouth ... "nice ear-rings".  "Tiffany's" came the reply.  If it had been anyone else I probably would have answered in a jocular style ... "well you had better give them back", not especially funny and certainly not original but it would have been my way of lightening the mood, countering is my thing, dropping in a little tempering sarcasm about the wearer's smugness and nod to their prostration at the alter of consumerism, whist still acknowledging the fact that there were indeed "nice ear-rings" etcetera but it would have been wasted on her and in fact I kept these instantaneous thoughts to myself and just said something like "oh, well they are very nice" - I thought it was just better to be polite and move on.  Well they were nice but frankly they would have been nice had they been purchased from a cheap & cheerful accessory shop, they were very simple, silver earbobs.   Although I said no more about them, her reaction typified everything I had been feeling about both her and our relationship for some time.  The building of a wave and the response "Tiffany's" sent the wave cresting and crashing.  The wave has been dribbling and making its inevitable way to the shore and petering out since that point and now I do not think I will be having any more (or experiencing her oh so 'unique' way of ordering) dinners with her or her Tiffany adored lugholes. 

I have been questioning why I am spending time with someone I just don't really respect - I know,

who the hell I am I to judge and that is just it.  I don't feel I can spend anymore time with this person and go through the endless saga of the various strands of her life, when she recounts tales of her work trials and tribulations, boyfriend issues and personal health issues whilst she sits there eating her 'metaphorical' chocolate mousse and making no real efforts to make any change.  As per usual she wants to have her mousse and eat it! The best person I know for talking a good health and diet plan, who thinks buying a diet book, DVD, talking about it endlessly will actually make the pounds fall off.   We have very little in common and I am unsure if it is her culturally shaped manners clashing with mine but I find her attempts at being over-scheduled, and my part in that schedule, as being a little blatant e.g. I am merely being used as a person to do things with.  Now I know this is a time honoured pattern of acceptable behaviour for some mates but it is become less and less subtle. 

The last time we socialised together I did not acquiesce to her but to another friend about where and when to meet (another equally alpha female) and I was somewhat in the middle and it rather pissed me off!  She also has form in this regard and I was just a little tired of the endless selfishness, particularly as this was pleasure we were supposed to be organising, not work and furthermore, we were not being unreasonable and a table had been booked.  But I have no doubt if anyone asked her about my behaviour, she would say I am totally selfish too.  So an impasse and I may have deliberately scuppered the friendship however sub-consciously.  I wasn't rude or impolite but at worst a little indiscrete but it actually came from a fairly good place - she looked a little downcast and I felt a little guilty about what had transpired and so I made another specific enquiry about something important in her life that might make her forget her hideous workday story for a few minutes whilst she focussed on her boyfriend, so I had asked if she had seen him recently and referred to him by name.  I thought this would again cheer her up a little but according to the third party, I was glared at. Being at least bottle of wine down, I clearly failed to pick up on this and although I don't think I went on about it too much and I think she only said yes to my enquiry, despite sending her a message the next day to wish her well with work related issues, I had no acknowledgement, subtle or otherwise.  I think in Tiffany's world that is her response. 

Again despite my past, I do have a problem with her situation, the fact that she is so submissive in that area and the fact that it severely limits any potential she has to be happier but like my other alpha female mate at the gathering that night, I do understand that we each handle the feelings of loneliness in our lives differently and again who am I to judge but I just don't think I can be around that vibe anymore.  I want to change for the better, I want to improve my health and mental outlook, I am feeling like ambition is rising again and I do want to do, what I want to do in my next decade and I also feel like being around people who will support me, nourish me, be positive roles models and genuine friends. Two-way traffic. 

I don't want to upset or hurt anyone so I think that that fairly empty 'GAP' type relationship should just be allowed to dissolve gently to stop that from happening.  The 'friendship' has served its purpose and run its course.

 

Better to be polite and move on.

Banality Now ....

Just got around to actually looking up the definition of 'redux' from the Latin to bring back, resurrect, lead back.  I fancy way of film marketeers suggesting to the masses that is not just a repeat but somehow dusting off the film stock and turning up the colouration a bit etcetc and putting it out there again gives is it a new lease of life (money for practically nothing).  Still if the original was a classic and the one of the positive aims is introducing it to the next generation - making a load more cash for very little is a clever move and keeps the movie business in the money making business - it may even be a noble enterprise as it will mean that they have the capacity to encourage and subsidize original work, give new writers, directors and actors a chance to help them make even more money for them in the future.

Not too sure why my mind has strayed onto this topic - just the two words, second word NOW.  But I wonder if what is on my mind reminds me of the themes from that movie, not the 'horror' but perhaps the more banal aspects.   Hypocrisy = the practice of professing standards, beliefs, etc., contrary to one's real character or actual behaviour, especially the pretence of virtue and piety.  Funny, I always protest to really dislike this trait in others and of course as usual - I doth protest too much!

                 You have to live with the people in hypocrisy for them to stay happy with you

I am one - there confession, but then that trait is deep in my DNA and I react with the emotional intelligence of a jellyfish (a stupid, reactionary one at that!)  I just wish being mindful of it meant that I could take this, and various other repellent characteristics, and expunge them - have I swallowed a dictionary?

As per my usual motivation to err, emote, it has been sparked off by an incident, but probably more likely an accumulation of stuff, that has gotten on my ....... [fill in the blank] lately.  Culminating this week in the discovery of my significant other surfing the net for the most banal thing on there but of course what men have  been seeking out since time began - and secretly what it was invented for (well done Mr Tim Berners-Lee), well if not him then certainly the genius to came up with the 'reuxed' the tablet with its handy 'easy to wipe' screen!  It could have been a lot worse and I did of course over-react and was indeed hypocritical (note to self: see previous Run Rabbit Run post!) but ultimately I was disappointed at the banality of the situation.  What does it really say about our relationship blar blar... - it says that it is undoubtedly just as banal as many other relationships.  What us 'modern' people seek and find very easily is instant gratification because we are all just lazy opportunists and for those of us lucky enough to survive in the developed world, we are surrounded by abundance, so why not just have it all and have it now?

I have heard the term 'moral compass' a lot lately - the new buzz phrase used a lot by politicians and other worthies.  I certainly know my 'compass' is askew.  I think the other reason why I reacted (and it was a genuine response of disappointment that the history was so easily visible - a 'school boy' error if you will and thus such blatant disregard of the consequences made that act the thing that caused the upset, ironically, not really the thing itself.... wot?) was that the evening before was spent with a friend who continues to break the 'loneliness' taboo.  My reaction to her rawness of need and desperation is a combination of disgust that she gives men such power over her and then I wonder why I too take my relationship so for granted when it is all she longs for (not so much a man as a warm, supporting body).  Again, a person in a long term relationship taking their partner 'for granted'.  What is really means is being taken advantage of.  That is true. That is BANAL.

Perhaps I should throw the bunny away, stop being a hypocrite and treat my significant other with some (over due) respect.  But then simple but effective, no fuss, easy gratification is just so good!

Talk about mixed messages from the WWW.  But then like every great oracle, interpretation can be found to justify any position!    

It is time for a change, at least attempt it.  I like this flowchart I came upon - simple and effective (but I suspect, not easy)

A shot across the bow - REALLY

Meaning - a warning shot, either real or metaphorical

Well I guess maturity just doesn't come into this equation.  Love is a battlefield and other cliches.  I have a mate with a complicated love life.  She was having a relationship but now it has morphed into a 'friend with benefits' situation.  Now this may have been exactly what he wanted and it took a long time to get to this situation and for a while he kept her at arms length and then he broke up with her.  It was a booze fuelled, emotional parting of the ways.

She then went through the painful, ego-bruised, howling at the moon stage followed by the forensic stage but then he started to text her again.  I am not a fan of the 'text relationship' far too much room for mis-communication and mis-interpretation of meaning and the ever shifting  rules of the dating game.

Now during their 'relationship' stage, like many couples, they slowly get involved with each others friendship circles.  I presume this is natural progression, making their coupledom public - it is a form of commitment but also this means that my mate was seeking the bonus validation of her friend's tick-in-the-box approval, yes he is good company, yes he is attractive, yes he is generous .....  "oh really, he has an amazing job and is well paid too!" ad nauseum. It all starts to become not a statement of "not only I am really happy with this potential relationship but for me to be REALLY happy, you need to also be envious".  Now I understood that way of thinking when I was at high school, nearly all the gals I knew who were trying their hand at the boyfriend thing wanted this validation, but I am surprised that for some, this thirst doesn't diminish with age and experience. I have wondered that if I was in my mate's shoes - would I be doing and feeling the same thing.  Frankly I am not so sure I would.  When does this behaviour go over some line and become too needy.  I do have my theories about why their relationship phase soured but you never really know what goes on away from an audience and of course you only usually get one-side of the story, your friend's and so you mostly give them the benefit of any doubt. 

So fast-forward to now, recently the FWB is being re-introduced to the 'mate scene' and although I am worried about the implications for my mate and wonder if she is making a mistake and rushing a potential strategy to turn him into boyfriend again - it was good to see him again and clearly my mate wanted her friends to re-connect as she considered it the right time to test the waters again. 

Well although he is a 'people pleaser' and fancies himself as a bit of a Playboy, I think he was genuinely pleased to see me again and perhaps relieved that despite all the stories I was bound to have heard about the split and the lead up to it.... I wasn't giving him a hard time (well they are both well over the age of consent afterall!)  So the booze-soaked evening continued to be fun but I was playing catch up and then he crossed a little line and got a bit carried away with telling me how much he missed me etcetc.  Now whilst I don't buy into his hyperbole, it is nice to hear a bit of flattery and our exchange (body language) was well and truly "clocked" from there on in. 

Next chapter and I spent time with my friend again a few days ago and once she was tipsy and we were alone, she concocted a little scenario about her "man" bonding with another friend of ours but I was in no doubt that she was ...... shooting across my bow.  It is an interesting technique for getting your point over whilst not entirely confronting the supposed perpetrator!  She continued using phrases like unacceptable behaviour and how seeing her man bonding with others hurt her feelings and a whole lot of other stuff. 

My take on this is, well he is not your boyfriend, she will not change him and she started up with him again no doubt hoping that she could win him over with her feminine charms.  Well I hope for her sake she does but getting involved with him again and giving him all the power may not pan out the way she wants.  He is fair game, safe to flirt with as he is NOT her boyfriend but a 'friend with benefits' but clearly she expects her friends to treat him as her partner because that is what she wants and we must be 101% loyal. 

I am not so sure that is the best strategy - if she is not happy about her friends being playful with him then I don't know if she will be able to deal with potential trouble ahead, let's just say if she finds out he is not being 'exclusive'!

All I can do is hope she will be OK with their next stage.  I sincerely hope that he is that into her.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie..... that's indigestion!

For many people (including myself for many many years) the Friday night combination of ... 

 accompanied by ....

washed down with ....

would be a little moment of culinary heaven on earth.  For me many many times over the years it has been but I fear no longer - as per usual I am sitting on the computer recording this warning to myself as I am wide awake as my digestion system cannot sleep and deal with processing the above substances.  I was drowsy (and full) at midnight and woke up at 2am feeling horrible.  Big surprise, a lot of white flour and cheese, low quality tomato paste and a nasty after taste of garlic butter coming up from the depths - NICE

So it may be that this is another combination that I will have to put into the junk file and cease and desist.  I didn't plan to have this meal tonight.  I nipped to the supermarket to get some vegetables to go with the prawns, broccoli and rice noodle dish I was going to do.  However I was tempted by the reduced pizza in the chiller cabinet and then a light-bulb went off and I thought.... go on, get garlic bread it is Friday night - blar blar blar.  Well I am regretting it now and I am committing this to my cyber space journal to remind me NOT to do this again.  I didn't even really enjoy the food as I was eating it, I was just hungry and the pizza was over cooked anyway as I didn't take it out early enough and then 20 mins after eating that (and full) I proceeded to get the garlic bread out of the oven as I didn't want to waste it - I did not need it.  Then I washed it down with questionable cheap red plonk.

Hmmmmm, remember NOT to do this again.  Three pints of water since 2am and now it is 4.30am and still wide awake but I have a full day planned tomorrow and because of my silly dinner choice, potentially I won't enjoy that as much as I would have had I had the damn prawn & veg dish and 6-8 hours sleep!

I only have myself to blame (and the siren call of pizza and garlic bread)

 

Plan A, goodbye for now?

Over the last few weeks I have been increasing aware of a medium term decision forming and it has finally popped fully formed into my brain and the rest of me is in agreement.  It has been very difficult getting to this stage but I am starting to feel very good about it.  I have not decided to give up on 'Plan A' completely but as it is, in reality, still so far from getting off the starting blocks financially, I am going to put Nourish & Quench and all related thoughts, research and conversations into a box marked 'back burner'.   Instead I am going to nourish and quench myself and focus on getting my mind and body ready.  Should nothing ever come of 'Plan A' - and that thought does make me sad - then as the image above suggests, there is always 'Plan B', 'Plan C' etc etc which I am confident will emerge.  However, I am still struggling a bit to relinquish N&Q and everything that goes with it but then I have been enveloping myself in this bubble for almost four years.  So I accept I will be transitioning for a while and to decide to just forget Plan A (i.e. go cold-turkey) would indeed be painful: no longer volunteering at the cafe and when I am an actual cafe customer, it would mean not analysing everything I eat, drink and see but relaxing and just simply enjoying the experience - WHAT!

Still, I figure, if I focus my energy and efforts on my mind, body and spirit for the foreseeable future, then I will be match fit if and when I decide the timing is right.  Clearing the mental path will hopefully really help me clarify what I actually want but at the moment I am bordering on obsession and failing to fully enjoy the present.

A mirage will never quench my thirst!

Nourish & Quench

Did you get pears?

Sometimes I absolutely love the internet, today it reminded me that I am not alone - that other people are as sensitive as me (poor them!)  I had a very intensive weekend with an old work friend that has been to a metaphorical 'hell and back' in fact she is still very much in recovery.  On my return I put on the television whilst I had my lunch.   I recently lent the Mad Men DVDs to my Mum but she gave it back to me without watching probably more than series 1 as she didn't like it. 

I know....! I couldn't be bothered to ask her what her objection was at the time but I suspect it was just all too damn much.  Well as a result I put them on again and went all the way back to series 1 and I am experiencing another intense 'box-set lockdown' I am currently just at the start of series 4.   I  started feeling very moved in the scene where Peggy congratulates Pete on the news that he would soon be a father and remembered all of the drama that led up to that moment in their individual lives.  Then they share a glance packed with emotion and yearning, but Peggy does the decent thing and moves on and takes a chance with a new crowd as it really now has to be put well and truly in the past in order for either of them to succeed.  Stunning and subtle writing.  Then this scene follows.  Devastating.  But when I typed that phrase into Google (other search engines are available) I was delighted to see that other viewers had been similarly moved by it.

Why?  Well instantly you saw the futility of all the drama in people's relationships.  The old man and woman in the 'pear' scene have survived it all and now the highlight of his day - perhaps life - is a, presumably easy to eat, sweet, fragrant and juicy pear.  Boy, I hope for her sake she remembered to get that fruit or she could even source them as if not (and I suspect perhaps not) she either couldn't - we can't always get what we want.  Wouldn't - she was in control of this man's desires and deliberately choose not to satisfy them or was just NOT going to discuss it in the hall as she was very weary and there was no rush.... afterall, she loves him enough to always try to bring him a pear, or something else to brighten his existance and frankly she is sick of him forgetting that and continually asking.  Antici---pation is everything right?

Don of course took all this in in an instant and perhaps I was meant to feel his mixture of sadness, surprise, delight and the inevitability too.  As he said to Roger in a previous episode (pre-divorce), life is short and we know it doesn't end well. 

My reaction to the end scene was possibly intensely felt because of my preceding 48 hours.  It left me softly sobbing and I wrote the phrase down so that I wouldn't forget it.  I then also recalled my love of Pears soap and it seems apposite as it was a product so heavily advertised that generations of people still consider it the height of soap luxury (face facts Imperial Leather!!) but of course we only feel this way because of the tricks used by the likes of the Don Drapers in this world.

Still knowing this now is all well and good but I have a very vivid memory - which I only recall because of the connections I am making - of pouring over adverts for Miss Pears and wanting only to be her.  Luckily I now feel fairly confident that I wouldn't be so taken in.  I don't use their soap anyhow.

 

This campaign was apparently only run in the UK but pictures of the winners must have run in Australian magazines as I can remember staring at the face at least one winner - it ran from 1947 to 1997 and was an annual award for gals under 12, any parent could submit a photo to apply.  I was no doubt even at that tender age, still hoping to become rich and famous, or at least as pretty as the little Pears girl.  When watching the above episode of MM and it featured trying to come up with a strategy for increasing Ponds Cold Cream sales in 1965, the research suggested that all 18-25 year old women wanted was any help to make them look as beautiful as possible to attract a husband.  Has anything really changed?  That is also why I am melancholy. I spent the weekend with two smart, talented, capable women.  It was very enjoyable and although we talked about many things, men were still very near the top (probably the top) topic of conversation.  My friend has a lot of thinking to do and will probably not go with what she knows is the right thing to do because she wants a partner and WILL compromise despite the fact she has the time and money to keep the search alive if that is really what she wants. 

 

The conditioning of women in their forties comes from the fact that they were raised by women who themselves grew up in the late 1950's early 1960's.  We still don't have a hope in hell.  That is probably why my 70 year old mother couldn't stomach MM, it was all too much like real life and she has the t-shirt!

Ah, love, let us be true
To one another! for the world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,
Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
And we are here as on a darkling plain
Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night.

 

Which is just a poet's way of saying, "Did you get pears?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Minutes suspended in Years

I heard this phrase today and thought it very insightful, it is the name of the new Alison Moyet album and it is her philosophy about life the universe and everything.  She is now 52 and refuses to apologise for it.  She is talented and sick of compromising and felt compelled to write her own album of original material in collaboration with the person who also produced it.  She is to be admired. I must check it out when it is released.  This title is a summation of her thoughts about happiness, elusive but on reflection is can be expressed as joyful minutes suspended in years.  It maybe a 'glass half empty' attitude but perhaps that is just the way the gal from Basildon feels and she is entitled.  Why do we all have to go around pretending life is all 'sunshine and lollipops' like those companies selling us washing powder would have us believe?

On that subject I am not terribly impressed with myself.  Despite my attempts to curb my self-indulgence, I only lasted until Friday night and I was feeling pretty good about it all but really fancied drinks with my mates but alas drank too much, expressed my opinions - no doubt way too forcefully (probably not only bordering but entering obnoxious territory) but maybe I too had thoughts and feelings to get off my chest (no matter how unpalitable) and wanted to talk about them and not just be a sounding board for other everyone else's dramas.  After all, isn't that what friends are for?  

 

However I recall my horoscope from last week and it did mention that there would be a sudden change in a close relationship.  Well that person may actually be Sonya and I am not entirely sure that I would blame her as I think everything is forgivable in a friend except insulting their immediate family - of course they can bitch and moan about them until the cow's come home but they are off-limits when it comes to anyone else pointing out their deficiencies and I think in this particular relationship, Sonya is allowed to be a strong and challenging personality with many and various proclivities but I guess I am not and so that is a deal-breaker.  Perhaps the timing is right anyhow.

The only actual physical fight I have ever had was when I was coming up for 13 and I was an opinionated loud-mouth (so much for the maturity and getting of wisdom theory....) I was overheard commenting to some school acquaintence that the mum of a a girl on my estate that I was getting fairly friendly with had huge boobs - oh the irony!  Anyhow, said girl somehow overheard or had it reported back and she took great exception to this comment, even though it was true, It was of course childish and rude to point it out.  So she called me out but had her champion be the one to challenge me to the fight.  I can't remember all the ins & outs at this distance but I remember negotiating with both her and her mate (a feisty little black gal who was looking for any excuse to hit someone and was very indignant about someone taking the piss out of her mate's mum's endowments) and so there was no getting out of it.  I had other unknown older girls coming to find me throughout the day, they assessed me with one look and then told me through sucked teeth that I would "be mashed up" they were right!  And so I recall there was no getting out of it and in the playground I was surrounded and the girl heralded in like Apollo Creed (but I was no Rocky with a south-paw) just a mouthy, frightened little lilywhite arsed new girl who had to be corrected.  There was hair pulling and a perhaps a few swipes but it was pulled apart fairly promptly and only sustained the odd scratch and bruise but emotionally it was one of the lowest moments of my school life (well life).  I vaguely remember waiting to be picked up from the school management office, by my dad and brother and I was probably snivelling the entire time - I think I was in shock.  I am still that pathetic excuse today.  I have learned NOTHING.  I think I am IT but I am SHIT (a note I once found in my locker at that same school although whether it was before or after the skuffle is no longer remembered).  They were right at that school all along.  I am at a loss as to what to do about my nature.  The only thing I can do is extricate myself for a while and just really think about life, the Universe and everything.  Recalling the fight I realise in a flash that I haven't changed one bit neither have I learned a damn thing in all the intervening years.   Talk about a coward - but why?  I have a bit of intelligence, why am I like this? 

 

 

 

Let all the children boogie ...

I had a funny day today, not enough sleep last night as I went to bed after 3am and then the alarm clock jolted me awake probably 3 hours before I was ready..... a touch of a hangover as I started drinking at around 9.30pm onwards and polished well over a bottle of lovely cheap vin rouge.  (I know so much for all my protestations on previous posts!)

Then followed another intense day of talking with various people about their continuing work problems. However I only managed around 30 minutes "official" work.

But my mind keeps coming back to the fact that I cannot really carry on like this without negative consequences, not least talking bollocks.  I have a unique opportunity at the moment and if I put my mind to it, I have just enough time to do myself some real good as going through withdrawal (wow, that sounds dramatic) is a thing best tackled alone. 

Anyway here I am on day one of my attempting to turn over that leaf yet again!  I had to dash out at 9pm though to get some chocolate ice-cream to help me cope without the usual evening liquid sugar and the night sky took me aback as it was so beautiful.  It was very calm and clear, the moon and stars were exactly the same as in this photo but it was about one hour later than this would have been taken and so it was classic dark blue in hue which made the half moon and two stars much more brilliant by contrast.  I put the key in the ignition to drive the 5 minutes back home and David Bowie's 'Starman' was playing just as I was glancing up at the beautiful night sky again and a little flashbulb of empowerment exploded in my mind - I am sure my esoteric mate would say it was a sign from the Universe (and that!)  But as I type, I genuinely feel like I am in a good place and I want to make real in-roads into breaking this bad habit over the next few months.  Mostly I want to capitalize on being alone to wrestle with it and the resulting emotions that will likely bubble up to the surface as I have dulled them with copious drink (and food) for so long.

 

If we sparkle he may land tonight.....